The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua!
by Raikua
Summary: When the Author accidently releases her clone into Hyrule, she goes after her. What will happen to Hyrule? And why is Ganondorf suddenly so cute and small?
1. The Authoress in Hyrule!

Legal Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. If I did, I'd be a whole lot richer. All I own is the plot and the odd, demented souls that happen to be my original characters. Also, all random hyphenazation and random capitalizing is done intentionally, and if you don't particularly like this chapter, it gets better and weirder as the story goes on. Now, on with this tale!

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The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua!

Chaos, Insanity, and a Bunch of Other Stuff! The Authoress in Hyrule!

Once upon a time, in a land nowhere near Hyrule, Raikua, also known as The Authoress, was bored. Bored beyond all earthly boredom. It was the Grand Boredom of all boredom. She was bored. And on top of that, she needed inspiration for a fanfiction. She was really out of inspiration. So as she, for possibly the zillionth or maybe even septillionth time, surfed the web for how to get the Triforce even though she knew it was quite impossible to get, she spied a particularly devious cheat code and got an idea. A lovely, mean idea. It was a highly amusing, lovely, mean idea, and Raikua had thought of it, which in her book made it a pretty good idea, though I assure you that her muse would disagree with that. She stared at the code for a particularly short moment, and then, with a wicked grin, she used an odd magical device called a Gameshark…

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In the middle of the Kokiri Forest in Hyrule, Link was having a nightmare. He knew what this meant, though he didn't quite know how exactly he knew this. It meant that Raikua was playing Zelda again for the billionth time, and most likely needed inspiration for a fanfiction. Again, don't ask how he knew this. Authors don't like it when you point out plot holes, no matter how large and gaping they may be. The dream seemed a bit different though from the ones he normally had. For one, Impa raced out on a pink hippopotamus, instead of her white horse. And Zelda was dressed as a certain character from a certain anime that a certain author, namely Raikua, certainly liked. Basically, dear Zelda looked remarkably like Sailor Moon. It was most creepy. Ganondorf was replaced by a very short girl with very red hair with a very evil look on her face. Suddenly, Link jolted awake, his heart pounding thumpily in his chest cavity. The horror, the horror! "That girl!" He thought, and our very brave, not to mention confused, hero tried to think who in the world it could be. Suddenly it came to him. "It's the Authoress' evil clone, Copy Raikua! Copy Raikua is more evil than The Authoress, who's more evil than Navi, who's more evil than Ganondorf!" Again, a plot hole that the Authoress would just prefer you'd ignore. Anyway, our hero jolted awake with a thumpity heart and at that precise moment an electric-blue fairy, namely Navi, wandered into the room. 

"Wake up! The future of Hyrule can't depend on such a lazy boy!" Link stared at her, wondering how retarded she could be and where he left his spare car keys, even though nobody in Hyrule could be bothered to invent a car, let alone the keys to one. "How retarded can you be? I'm already awake!"

"Oh…. The Great Deku Tree wants to see you, because…. Erm…. Yeah…. Okays…. Come on! Be brave! Let's go into the Great Deku Tree!" And with that word, Link and Navi set off on an adventure to the Great Deku Tree!

Meanwhile, back at Raikua's House, Raikua was busy staring at the Zelda game and eyebrow twitching, which was something that happened quite a lot actually. Copy Raikua. She was in Hyrule. And it was probably her fault too. That was not good. Wherever Copy Raikua went, disaster was sure to follow. Copy Raikua happened to be Raikua's evil clone, for everyone needs an evil clone in their lives. Now it's time for a completely useless bit of semi-coherent back-story! One day, while Raikua was surfing the Internet, her computer froze. She desperately tried to un-freeze it, but nothing seemed to work and the computer was, in fact, getting rather worse. Then, in a bout of frustration, she spilled a whole bunch of chocolate milk on her keyboard. Immediately, she began typing more stuff, to see if her keyboard was broken. It was, since it seemed to be sparking dangerously and smoking. But suddenly, the monitor turned a lovely shade of blue and a sound like a cross between evil laughter and a hyena was heard. A figure not entirely unlike Raikua's appeared and came cheerfully out of the computer. It was Copy Raikua, the nearly exact copy of Raikua. The only physical difference was that Raikua was a blonde, while Copy Raikua had bright red hair. Oh, and one was _slightly_ more evil.

"Hi! I'm Copy Raikua, your nearly exact evil clone! I'll be pestering you from here on out, so please fasten your seatbelts, and secure any personal belongings you may have in the bag-thingy on the chair in front of you! We hope that you have a pleasant stay here on Copy Raikua's Evil Airplane, and we hope that you ride with us again! Thank you, and I must be off to take over some small digital island! Have a nice ride!" And with those words, Copy Raikua disappeared into Electronic Land, and Raikua found herself on an airplane heading to Venezuela. But that's an entirely different story; let's continue this one.

As Raikua stared at the TV screen, her best friend/librarian/muse, Nightshade Regruu, to be called Regruu, walked into the room. She was a whole lot taller than Raikua, though most people were taller than the maniacal otaku, with very short black hair that happen to have a purple streak in it for no particular reason other than the fact that Raikua thought it looked good. In another accident involving chocolate milk, Raikua had pulled Regruu out of a silly little manga she was drawing. But luckily, Regruu wasn't evil like Copy Raikua –or if she was, she kept her evilness well hidden-, so Raikua trusted her with her most secret ideas, missions, and secrets.

"What are you doing Raikua?" Regruu asked boredly, sipping a rather pleasant-tasting soda that had far too much sugar in it for her own good.

"Copy Raikua took over my game when I accidentally used a bunch of Gameshark codes I found on the Internet." Raikua said excitedly. Regruu thought for a moment.

"Well…You probably got them from Copy Raikua's personal website…What was the site's name?" Raikua also thought for a moment.

"It was Copy-Raikua's-Evil-Cheats-that-Will-Cause-a-Whole-Lot-of-Interesting-Stuff-to-Happen-to-Your-Game. Dot con, I think." Regruu stared balefully at her for a moment, sipped on her saccharine soda again, and then glanced at the game, a frown darkening the muse's face as she pondered her mistress' sheer stupidity.

"Yep, that's one of her sites. Now, what are you gonna do?"

"What else can I do? I'm going in the game," The short girl said dramatically, as if she were about to embark on an epic quest involving elves, Sages, and plenty of bishounen, which, of course, she was.

"Come on, Raikua. Get serious. You can't go into Nintendo games. It's physically impossible," Regruu said, in a slightly worried, panicky sort of tone reserved for whenever Raikua was about to do something that threatened her existence, which was pretty much every moment of her waking life and some of her sleeping ones as well.

"Why not? Copy Raikua can do it. All I need to do is to..." Raikua thought for a moment, chewing absentmindly on an unlucky strand of hair. "...Spill some chocolate milk on it, along with peach juice, sugar, and a bunch of warm buttery popcorn."

"And how in the world is that supposed to work?" Regruu questioned, staring dubiously at her young master as if she were quite mad. It should be interesting to note that the muse often found the opportunity to stare at her mistress like that, most likely because young Raikua _was_ actually quite mad and a bit silly as well.

"Well...I think chocolate milk on electronic devices may allow me to enter the Digital/Electronic World or whatever. However, it would also make another almost-exact evil clone of me maybe and that is not good. To prevent that possibility, I have come to decide that peach juice would counteract the chocolate milk. But since peach juice smells funny, that is where the sugar comes into play. Since sugar is possibly the best substance on the face of the world, I will sprinkle it on the peach juice. Somehow, it is bound to reduce the peachy odor." Raikua replied in one breath, sounding quite like a science teacher of hers, though her science teachers tended to make a lot more sense.

"And what is the popcorn for?" Regruu asked, wondering how this whole ordeal would work and whether or not it would make a large explosion that she would have to clean up after. "It tastes very, very good! I will teach the inhabitants of Hyrule all about the wonderful, glorious, buttery thing that is popcorn!"

"Oh...I see...I think" And the odd two, one a deranged authoress, the other a rather uncreative muse, set off to find where they could get peach juice in the middle of winter.

Thus, Raikua embarked on a noble quest for truth and justice. Well, it wasn't _really_ for truth; it was more for the fame, money, and scantily-clad men. Oh, and there wasn't much justice involved. It was mostly an odd sort of vague injustice, if anything. It wasn't that noble either. Come to think of it, it wasn't so much a quest as a curiously odd little voyage into the semi-known, but she _did_ embark on it, whatever it was. Will she succeed? Will her almost-exact evil clone be banished from the realm of Hyrule? And when will we get to the nice bit about the angry fangirls and the most ingenious and slightly improbable plan to ascend the throne? Does anybody really care?


	2. Link! Meet The Authoress!

The Legend Of Zelda: The Attack Of Copy Raikua!

Link! Meet The Authoress!

--- Legal Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda and I never will! I also don't own Sailor Moon, The Ring, and Pokemon. But I think you already knew that! ---

Back in Hyrule, Link was on a mission. A mission to find a sword, a shield, and a backstage pass. Mido, one of the most annoying characters in Hyrule, second only in annoyance to that infernal running man, had just rejected him and Navi entrance to see the Great Deku Tree. "Not only do you need a sword and a shield, Mr.Freaky-Green-Guy, but you need a backstage pass to see the Great Deku Tree. You know, tickets. Now, SCRAM!"

"Remember Link. We have to talk to everyone because they probably know something that you don't." The fairy said, bobbing up and down like a manic-depressive buoy adrift on the stormy seas of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. "Like where we can get a sharp, pointy thing that you call a sword. Okay?"

"Yes Navi." Link answered, staring up at the sky. He had found out, in less than an hour, that this fairy, Navi, was quite bossy and very likely explosive, both literally_ and_ figuratively.

"And after that, we have to find some Rupees. Okay?"

"Yes Navi..."

"And then we have to buy a shield. Okay?"

"Yes Navi..."

"And then we have to get a sword-thing. Okay?"

"Yes Navi..."

"And then..."

This continued for another agonizing ten minutes which were undoubtedly the worst ten minutes of his entire life, not counting the ten or so minutes he spent locked in a linen closet with an evil fangirl and the bringer of the apocalypse. He tried rather hard to repress those memories. "And then, we have to eat chocolate cake. Okay?"

"What does chocolate cake have to do with anything?" Navi then thought for a moment, flipping dolphinishly about.

"It tastes good."

"So does warm, buttery popcorn!" A new voice exclaimed. Link whipped around, and came face to face with the face of true evil

"Hi! I'm Raikua! That's The Authoress to you, though! I'm here to help you get rid of the evil Copy Raikua and to tell you about something called popcorn. It's a rather good thing, much better than even beef jerky and Frank Sinatra combined." Link stared at her, a bit confused and curious. He'd never seen anyone quite like this Author-Raikua-Person-Thing ever and he wasn't exactly sure that he'd like to see another. She was shorter than even the tiniest Kokiri and pale with blonde hair and bluish eyes. She wore pink-tinted glasses, a shiny Technicolor Tie-Dyed spandex shirt that smelled rather like peaches, and a blindingly bright skirt over black tights. That was her new Official Adventuring Uniform, though Link did not know that. If he knew that, I doubt he'd really care anyway.

"What's this popcorn you speak of? Tell me. Okay?" Navi asked Raikua, floating straight above her head like a hungry mosquito intent on consuming the overly-sugared blood of the fangirl.

"Popcorn is corn that has been introduced to heat energy, and has combusted, thus allowing it to become warm and popped. However, popcorn is not popcorn if it does not have the right condiments. Thus, it is introduced to table salt and melted butter. Some people also introduce it to a substance called melted cheese, which is rather good, if I do say so my self. And that's all you need to know about popcorn!" Raikua said, sounding, yet again, like her science teacher.

"What does it look like?" Link asked eagerly, curiosity and hunger getting a hold of him.

"This!" And Raikua tossed the bag of scalding-hot popcorn to him, which he opened with a ravenous grin on his face.

"Oh...It smells good but-HEY NAVI! STOP EATING THAT! IT'S MINE!" Link screamed, as Navi promptly ate all of the popcorn. We shall ignore the obvious fact that there is no way in Hyrule that the little fairy could consume that much in a few short seconds. Raikua laughed maniacally, sounding remarkably evil for someone so short. According a certain more-than-slightly wicked Authoress, short people are notorious for making silly villains. Of course, that certain Authoress also thinks that Walt Disney is frozen underneath Disneyland, so maybe it's not wise to take her very seriously.

"That's not funny, Miss. Author-Person." Link cried frantically, mourning the loss of the popcorn he would never, ever taste in his entire miserable life.

"Yes it is!" She giggled. It might be interesting to note that her laughter traveled around the world through time and space and caused a small volcano to erupt, forming the Hawaiian Islands. Navi stared exasperatedly at the duo. At least, that's what she would have done if she had eyes. Instead, she just fluttered around a bit and hoped that properly conveyed her annoyance, which it didn't really.

"Link, we have to find the stuff, so we can..um...See the Great Deku Tree! Raikua-beast, I demand that you come with us for reasons that shall probably never be properly explained! Come on! Okay?" Navi said, turning a violent shade of red that vaguely resembled the colour one would get if they mixed an undercooked salami and beet together. It was a most disturbing shade of red that made young children cry.

"I told you to call me The Authoress! It sounds better than Raikua!"

"Well, we're calling you Raikua. Okay?"

"...Okays..." The-Authoress-Who-Shall-Henceforth-Be-Called-Raikua grumbled. She was starting to dislike Navi greatly, even more so than she already did.

Regruu stared at the television screen keenly with a predatory grin on her face that was most unbefitting for a muse. "So far, so good. No sign of Copy Raikua." Suddenly the telephone –a gaudily orange instrument that heralded the arrival of wrong numbers and telemarketers- rang, which Regruu promptly picked up. "Allo? This is the House of Raikua. How may I help you?"

"There has been an emergency...Nightshade Regruu, are you not?" The voice-on-the-other-end-of-the-line hissed.

"Y-Yes, t-that's me. Where's the emergency?" The muse said, her voice trembling like something that would tremble. The voice paused, as if lost in semi-contemplative thought.

"It hasn't, like, happened yet. But it will...In the near future...Go watch a movie...Raikua has this nice one on her bookshelf that would be of interest to you. Go watch it..." The person hung up with a loud click that reverberated throughout the muse's twisted purple soul.

"Okay...That was freaky..." Regruu said to no one in particular and then glanced at Raikua's bookcase. Sure enough, there was a tape there, which she picked up and examined. It looked like a regular tape, yet it had a label that said 'COPY' on it, in large, pink block letters. "Hnmmm...Maybe this is Copy Raikua's? She does go by the name Copy..." Regruu said to herself, for it was a habit of hers that caused much annoyance to her master. Despite that the fact that the tape might have been sent to her by her mistress's evil clone and thus might do terrible, horrible things, Regruu bore an insatiable desire to watch all movies in existence, and desire won out over common sense as per usual. "I must watch this movie." She walked over to the Nintendo, turned it off, and turned the Most Ancient VCR on. "I must get popcorn. And Snowcaps!" And with those words, Nightshade Regruu wandered gaily into the kitchen, in a grand quest for popped corn and little heavenly chips of chocolate with little balls of sugary goodness scattered upon them.

"Okay we've reached the Training Grounds. Please secure all personal belongings, and unbuckle your seat belts. Or something. I can't do it as well as my evil clone." Raikua said and stopped in front of a hole in the wall.

"This...This...Thingy? This is the Training Grounds?" Link asked. Navi floated around, silent for a welcome change.

"No, behind us is the Training Ground place. Here is the place where we get you a sword. Okays...MOVE IT!" Link quickly sped through the small opening, with Raikua and Navi following. He stood up, only to be squashed by a rogue boulder.

"ERP! WHAT WAS THAT?"

"That was a large rolling obstacle, commonly known as a boulder. It's 10 limestone and 90 granite. It's best avoided. Okay?" Navi said, sounding quite like a dictionary that just happened to have the form of a fairy, which was actually pretty much what she was.

"Yeah, what Navi said!" Raikua cried in glee, not because Navi had said something, but simply because she could. Link groaned, very sore from being run over by a ten ton ball of stone, and stood up, trying to ignore the searing pain in his chest and the floofy feeling in his head.

To make a long story an ungrammatical run-on sentence, he ran and avoided boulders and ran and avoided more boulders ran some more and avoided boulders some more and ran and ran and ran and ran into a large treasure chest. Raikua and Navi did too, but no one particularly cared.

"Let's open it Link!" Raikua exclaimed excitedly, for she did mostly everything excitedly. "I've always wanted to open a treasure chest! They make a cool sound in the game!"

"Okay Raikua..." Link said, wondering if the Authoress was completely sane and then deciding she probably wasn't since she wore spandex. And with that, they opened the treasure chest.

"Hnmmm...What's in it?" Link wondered and leaned in to see. Suddenly a pair of small hands pushed him in! "Gah!" The lid closed, plunging the poor elf into sudden darkness. And as sudden as it closed, it opened again. Raikua peered down at Link's startled face.

"That was fun! GET OUT OF MY TREASURE CHEST! NOW!" Link jumped up quickly out of the chest, now one-hundred-percent pretty sure that the Authoress wasn't completely sane and was, in fact, completely off her rocker, if she even had a rocker in the first place.

"That's better!" Raikua said gleefully, regaining her happily hyper composure.

"Get the sword, Link! Okay?" Navi barked, sounding like the annoying little fairy that she was. Link reached in and pulled out a sword and a big staff-like-thing that was most likely a staff.

"Cool! I want the staff-like-thingy!" Raikua said, while doing a little happy dance.

"Err...Okay..." He handed her the staff-thing. Suddenly, a loud click was heard and everything started to spin.

"GAHHHH!" Link cried in his trademark cry of confusion.

"YAAAAAA!" Navi cried in her trademark cry of annoyance.

"CHEEEEEE!" Raikua cried in her trademark cry of chee-ness, whatever that may be. "Regruu has been a terrible, horrible muse and turned off the Nintendo, thus allowing the portal between dimensions to close! I'm stuck here! CHEEEE!" Raikua collapsed in a fit of tears and clawed angrily at the ground.

Regruu settled down happily with a bowl of nachos and a glass of grape soda, for she had discovered that popcorn and Snowcaps were in short supply.

"Raikua will be alright. She will. Probably. If not, who cares? Now for my movie!" Regruu, as said before, was more-than-slightly obsessed with movies and talking to herself. Very muchly so. It was rather scary, but not really. She pressed a bunch of random buttons on her remote control, turned off Raikua's ancient Nintendo 64, popped in the tape, and quickly ate half of her nachos in one giant gulp. The movie came on, and Regruu found herself viewing a string of rather disturbing images that tore into her very mind and made a nest there to house little image-babies.

"Whaaat?" She said, confused and startled. "Oh Jamaica, this freaky! Ahh!"

She shuddered and curled up into a little ball. "Freaky, scary movie! Who would make a movie like this? It's so...scaryish! It's su-pa kowai!" She shouted, breaking into the speech patterns of a shocked otaku, and shut her eyes, until the particular scene in question was finished. And then the phone rang. Regruu, still quite panicked and disturbed, made her way slowly to the phone. "H-H-Hello? T-This i-is Regruu-san..."

"Seven days..." The voice hissed. The muse blinked for a second and had a sudden revelation that she should have had before. "Hey...This was from that movie Ringu or The Ring or whatever." Regruu blushed furiously and hung up the receiver. She quickly made her way to the VCR, ejected the tape, and burned it up in the fireplace. "Well... THAT was a lovely diversion." Regruu plugged in the Nintendo, turned the game on, and opened Raikua's file. That is, she _would _have opened the fangirl's file, but it had disappeared! "Copy Raikua was here..." Regruu growled. "I'll get her... Or Raikua will...Yeah, Raikua probably will. I think I'll go take a nap now…"

Copy Raikua was mad. Very mad. As mad as the little monster had ever been, which was furiously, wrathfully, homicidally angry. Her plan had both worked and backfired. Sure, she created a diversion to get Regruu away from the Nintendo, allowing her to delete Raikua's file. But her big plan had failed. Regruu, the cross-dimensional manga-styled muse, had figured it out. She knew that Copy Raikua had placed a tape of a scene from 'The Ring', the part where it showed the evil-tape-type-thingy, had called her, and that she had deleted the file. Thus, she might or might not come to her mistress' rescue. But, at least, Raikua was stuck in Hyrule for a while. 'Fun, fun, and even more fun,' Copy Raikua thought, grinning a very evil grin of evil grinning glee.

"So...We gotta get a shield! So we can go see the Great Deku Tree! Let's get a shield!" Raikua said, bouncing merrily on one foot. Link was silent.

"We must get the shield! Okay?" Navi said.

"Certainly okay, Navi! It's in the Kokiri Shop Place! Come on!"

"And how do you know that Raikua? You've never been there..." Link said. Raikua suddenly got a very odd look on her face vaguely reminiscent of a certain purple-haired Mazoku that the hyperactive fangirl coveted.

"Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"And what does that mean?"

"That is a secret!"

"Thanks for not answering my question..."

"I did..."

"Oookkaaayyy...Whatever...This is the Shield Shop...I think" Link said, stopping in front of the only shop in Kokiri Village. Needless to say, they went in because they had nothing really better to do.

"Excuse me, but how much is a shield?" Link asked the short-salesman-person.

"Forty rupees, ma'am." The short-salesman-person said. Link's eye twitched sporadically, for he was certainly not a ma'am and was, in fact, a sir, even though he wore a tunic short enough to be considered a mini-skirt and had a magic fairy.

"FORTY RUPEES?" Raikua exclaimed. "That's a rip-off!" Suddenly, she went into Raikua-doesn't-want-to-spend-any-money-and-would-rather-just-steal-what-she-wants mode. "Now look here little man. Me and my partner here don't want to spend any cold, hard cash, ya see. Now, be a good midget and hand over a shield or-" Raikua grabbed Navi out of mid-air. "-Or the little lady gets it." The shopkeeper shuddered and handed over the item in question with a squelchy meep. "Thank ya. And ya betta lower those prices, ya see, or else ya'll get in deep trouble with my mafia. Come on." She dropped Navi and dragged a very startled Link out of the shop. "Thank, my friend, is the easy and convenient way to get what you want."

"So anyway, we have everything except the back stage passes. Let's find them. Okay?" Navi said, while floating above Link's head. Raikua's eyes lit up like twin carnival lights.

"I got the passes! I got the passes!" She held three Backstreet Boy Back Stage Passes above her head. Let us not think too hard as to why Raikua had three of these passes at the very moment Link needed them. It's a lovely case of deus ex machina, and let us leave it at that.

"But, those aren't for the Great Deku Tree," Link said, in a tone that meant Don't-be-crazy-and-idiotic-Raikua. "Soooo?" She conjured up a pen out of nowhere and crossed out Backstreet Boys on the passes, replacing them with Great Deku Tree.

"Now they are." And with that she dragged Link off to Mido, with a floating Navi in tow.

"Hello Link. Hello Navi. Hello...Freaky Person..." Mido said disdainfully, sniffing in the general direction of the rather short fangirl.

"I ain't freaky. And I ain't using proper grammar." Raikua exclaimed, waving her staff wildly.

"Who cares about grammar, Freaky Person?"

"My English teacher does...Now look we got all the stuff we need, so if ya'll excuse meh, we'll be off to see the Great Deku Tree."

"You don't have a sword, Miss Freaky Person. I'm not lettin' you in."

"Oh, yes you are Midget Man!" Raikua shouted, and then walloped Mido in the stomach with her staff with the force of a thousand angry fireflies.

"Oof...Okay go in. Don't hurt me." They went in to see the Great Deku Tree.

"Yo Link. Yo Navi. Yo Raikua!" The Great Deku Tree rapped, sounding suspiciously like a wanna-be gangster from New Jersey who still lives with his mum in a run-down apartment across from the 7-11. You know who I'm talking about…or maybe not.

"Erm...Hello, Great Deku Tree, " The trio said in unison, wondering just why the enormous tree was rapping poorly.

"I am da Great Deku Tree and I have been cursed wit a terrible affliction dat causes me ta sing everything I say. Yo yo yo!"

"Oh no! Did Ganondorf do this?" Navi asked the tree, concern filling her eyes or lack thereof.

"I did not. That annoying kid did," A low, familiar voice growled. From out of the shade of the Great Deku Tree, a Gerudo man emerged. His skin was green like the first little leaves of spring, and glistened in the morning sun like an emerald. His eyes were like twin pools of endless fire swirling in an ivory abyss. He had muscles like a noble racehorse, and wore leather clothing that clung to him dangerously tightly. His hair was the exact colour of flaming maple leaves, and his nose was like that of a righteous eagle. Raikua's eyes suddenly got extremely large and dangerously starry, and nearly died of a massive nosebleed.

"It's my husband, Ganondorf! YAY!" Raikua huggle-tackled the poor Gerudo man and didn't seem to want to let go, much to his dismay.

"Let go of me! I don't know you like that, and I don't intend to either."

"No, silly green bishounen. You belong to me. You're mine. Therefore, I shall hug you."

"You _will_ let me go."

"No."

"I SAID LET GO!"

"I don't wanna. You're too ruggedly handsome! And green! Chicks dig green men!"

"I don't care about chicks! What would I want with chickens anyway?"

"Noooowwww liiissstteeennnn bbbrrravvvvee adddvvenntuurreeeerrss. Fffiinnd thhheee sssourrceee of thhiisss ppproooblemmm and deessstttrrroooy iittt!" The Great Deku Tree sang operatically and opened his large mouth.

"This is our cue to go in." Link said, in his adventurer voice.

"Okay!" Raikua said amicably, and finally let go of Ganondorf. Navi flew into Link's hat. Thus, the trio entered the Great Deku Tree.

"Wait for me!" Ganondorf cried, running up to the three. "I don't like that annoying little freaky-girl either. I'm coming too!"

"WHAT?" Was Link's answer, for somehow he knew that Ganondorf was a villain in normal circumstances, though how exactly if not known.

"YAY!" Was Raikua's, for she had a fangirlish obsession with our King of Evil. Navi didn't answer because she appeared to be asleep. The threesome was now a foursome!

"Now the first thing we gotta do is get the slingshot!" Raikua announced, as the three- Navi was still in Link's hat, fainting from lack of oxygen- of them scaled the wall.

"Why?" Ganondorf asked. "

'So we can defeat the Boss Monster. Or should I say, so Link can defeat the Boss Monster, as we watch from the sidelines."

"Why me?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"WHAT DOES THAT _MEAN_!" However, Raikua chose that moment to ignore Link and stare obsessively at Ganondorf's hair, for his tresses were very lovely indeed and she had a slight case of hair envy. They quickly reached the top of the wall, climbed to the walkway and entered a series of rooms. What happened to them while searching for the slingshot isn't too important and/or interesting and thus will not be recorded here, but they did get lost quite a few times due to the "baka map" Raikua found.

Eventually, after lots of wrong turns and potentially fatal brushes with death, they found the slingshot and managed to find their way to the walkway where all the nasty, disgusting Skullwatullas lived.

"Evil spiders!" Ganondorf yelled, for he hated spiders very much, and proceeded to squish all of the offending arachnids.

"Now we have to jump to that big spider web on the floor!" Raikua said, and pointed at a ginourmous cobweb situated on a ginourmous hole in the ground.

"We'll break our necks!" Link and Ganondorf cried and then proceeded to hug each other tightly, sounding quite terrified indeed.

"The future Hero of Time and the Great King of Evil and Hamsters are afraid of a spider web. Bah! Some heroes you are."

"Wait a second, Miss Raikua. I'm not the Great King of Evil and Hamsters, and I'm no hero. So there." Ganondorf growled. Raikua rolled her eyes and pushed the two men and hat-bound fairy off the walkway. She then jumped after them, muttering something sounding suspiciously like pansies all the way.

They fell on the web and broke it, landing in a strange dark room. "We need a light." Raikua said, her eyes not adjusted to the all-encompassing darkness. Link pulled the still-asleep Navi out of his hat and she lit up the room with her electric-blue glow.

"That worked quite well..." Ganondorf said in astonishment.

"And Bob has just invented the flashlight!"

"What's a flashlight? And who's Bob?"

"Oh Ganny and Linky, you wouldn't understand." Raikua said, chewing on a piece of tasty gum that certainly wasn't there three seconds before.

So to make a somewhat long story short, they walked a bit more and found themselves in a big room with three Deku Scrubs. Immediately, the scrubs started to attack.

"We have to deflect their shots to the Scrubs in the right order!" Raikua said, while being bombarded by bombarding nuts.

"Forget that," Ganondorf said. "I have a much more effective way." Using his magic powers of infinite coolness, he lifted the evil plant-like creatures into the air and spun them wildly "Open the door or else I'm going to drop you from fifty-feet up. You understand?"

"We surrender! We surrender!"

"Good." Ganondorf let the Scrubs go, and the quickly opened the door.

"We're gonna see Miss Gohma now! We're gonna see Miss Gohma now! We're gonna see Miss Gohma now!" Raikua chanted happily, even though she hated Gohma almost as much as she hated lasagna. And she _loathed _lasagna with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

The room was dark, even with Navi's ethereally annoying glow. Link was aware of something watching him, but he couldn't quite place it. He drew his sword. "Come out, whoever is there!" Something hissed, near the ceiling. "Erm...That's not a Gohma, Raikua..."

"Whaaattt?" She looked up, and promptly collapsed to the ground . Ganondorf did too, though without the collapsing part.

"Oh...That's definitely not Gohma..."

"I agree Ganny. It's a-" She blinked. "A GIANT PIKACHU! CHEEEE!" The Pokemon jumped from the ceiling, and began its onslaught of dangerously adorable destruction.

"How do I beat it?" Link cried, eyes on the monstrous Pokemon. Navi awoke.

"Use the slingshot. The little red spots are its weak points." She slumped back into her sleep.

"Okay...Here Link goes!" Raikua announced, as the aforesaid hero quickly hit the Pikachu with a seed. It lay stunned for a second, and Link came charging with his sword. "HYAHH!" Raikua sat down, out of range of the electrical rodent and said quite plainly, "This should take awhile."

In actuality, it took ten minutes. Finally, the giant rat-like creature of doom dissapered. All that was left in its place was a shiny blue circle thing and a heart container, though no one particularly cared about the magic, floating heart.

"That went over real well. Come on Linky, Ganny, and Navish! Let's go into that blue thingy!" Raikua exclaimed. Navi, now fully awake, zoomed out of Link's hat and floated above the boy's head. Raikua quickly ran to the warp, with her three partners behind her.

"Let's teleport! I've always wanted to do this!"

They landed softly in front of the Great Deku Tree. The Tree seemed different than when Link and the others had first laid eyes on him. He seemed darker, more treeish, and less like a wanna-be gangster rapper.

"Deku Tree? You okay?" Navi asked, concern in her voice as she zipped closer to her guardian.

"You have destroyed the evil in me, Link. But I was doomed anyway."

"WHAT!" Link yelled in shock, for he was very shocked indeed.

"Yes. Though you have destroyed that horrendous monster of ancient lore, I was cursed to start of with. Would you like to hear the whole story?" Link and Raikua nodded a solemn 'yes'. "Good. Ganondorf come here." The Gerudo man obliged, and stood in front of the Tree. "You may begin Ganondorf."

"Alright. Listen, Link, Raikua. You too fairy. One day, I was in the desert, plotting your demise Link, because that's what villains do. Out of the blue-"

"Villains do and out of the blue rhyme."

"-Be quiet Raikua. Well, suddenly a flash of light appeared, and suddenly a strange short girl, rather like that Raikua-girl except she had fire-red hair instead of blondish, appeared out of nowhere. So did another short being, a blue-haired male that I didn't quite reconize, but I imagine he must have been from here since he had pointy ears. The girl said to me. 'So you're the almighty King of Evil and Hamsters. I'll have to add you to my collection.' And I said, 'Huh?' And the boy said, 'She has a collection of all her favorite Nintendo villains, book characters, and anime guys, since she's creepily obsessive like that.' I said 'Huh?' again. The girl said, 'I'm the almighty Evil Queen of Annoyance, Copy Raikua. I'm off to curse the Deku Tree. Byes! Come on, Copy K-' But I dunno what the short guy's name was because they disappeared as soon as she started saying his name. So being that there can only be one almighty evil in Hyrule at one time, I sped to the Deku Tree, only to find him cursed, so that he'd croak soon and sing rather badly. The end." Ganondorf said, finishing his tale.

"So Copy Raikua has destroyed the almighty Great Deku Tree. For this heartless dead, I vow revenge. Great Deku Tree, adieu." Raikua whispered solemnly, and, for the first time since Link, Navi, and Ganondorf met her, sounding somewhat noble and possibly serious. The dying Tree gave one last command.

"Fair Navi, Powerful Ganondorf, Courageous Link, and Odd Raikua, I command thee to go to Princess Zelda, the Princess of Destiny. Bring this gem. Goodbye..." A large, green crystal levitated above Link's head.

"It's the Spiritual Stone of the Forest! Kokiri's Emerald!" Navi and Raikua whispered simultaneously. Link reached out for the stone and gently grabbed it. The moment his hand touched the sparkling emerald, the Great Deku Tree turned grey, his life force gone and his leaves black. He was as dead as Mario Lopez's career.

"I think our work here is done," Ganondorf said slowly.

"Yeah Ganny, Linky, Navish. I think we should go..."

"Let's see the Princess! Okay?" The fairy said, as loud and tactless as ever.

"Okay Navi..." Link whispered softly.

Thus, the four brave adventurers, The King of Evil, The Great Blue Fairy, The Hero of Time, and The Authoress, set off to find Princess Zelda, and somehow get rid of Copy Raikua. But is it their destiny to do that? And is Raikua stuck in Hyrule forever? Does anybody really care?


	3. Sailor Zelda? Story Time!

The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua

Sailor Zelda? Story Time for Link and Company!

* * *

The muse Regruu was many things. Impatient, for one. And irritable. Lazy and uncreative would probably be good words to describe her too, though that is only in the opinion of a certain authoress. Right now, Regruu was not happy. Not at all. She was anything _but_ happy. Raikua, the little madwoman, was stuck in Hyrule, and since the file had been deleted, was probably not going to get out. She growled, sounding quite like a wolf, and then suddenly got an idea, though it was certainly an insane one, and possible dangerous as well. "I don't think I'll copy. After all, I'm not human like Raikua, if she even counts as human." Regruu grinned and went to find some chocolate milk...

Back in good old Hyrule, Raikua was mad, Link was sad, Navi was stuck in a bottle, and Ganny was annoyed because Raikua was attached to his neck again. They reached the bridge-that-goes-into-Hyrule-Field. "Poor Tree..." Raikua sighed.

The quartet walked to the middle of the bridge. Suddenly, a brown and green flash appeared right in front of Link. He gasped. The flash landed and uncurled itself into..."Saria?" Indeed, it was Saria, but she was quite different indeed. Her green hair was longer than Link and Raikua remembered, she was wearing a brown and green dress, she wore a necklace with a big peace sign on it, she had a crown of flowers about her head, and she smelled rather like unwashed goats and sandalwood. To make a long story short, she was a hippie.

Raikua gasped and hid herself behind Ganondorf, still not letting go of him. Raikua, as it happened, wasn't scared of many things, but hippies were the supreme evil, according to her.

Link blinked, did a double take, did a triple-take, and blinked again. He audibly gasped.

Ganondorf, for some odd reason, started doing his famous I'm-Ganondorf! -Hear-my-evil-annoying-laugh laugh.

Navi didn't say anything, because she was stuck in a bottle.

"So Link, you're actually leavin' the forest... I'll miss you." Saria said.

"Hippie must DIE!" Raikua hissed, and spastically morphed into a hideous, slug-monster from the next dimension, though that didn't last very long because Raikua didn't particularly like slug-monsters, even if they came from the next dimension.

"Who's that?" Saria blinked and took a closer look at Link's other companions.

"YOU'RE KEEPING YOUR FAIRY IN A BOTTLE!" She screamed shrilly. "THAT'S INHUMAN! AND YOU BROUGHT AN EVIL KING HERE! HE'S INHUMAN TOO! AND A ANTI-HIPPIE! SHAME!" Saria turned bright red in rage. "Here you go Link, have this ocarina. It's a reminder of the days when you were a flower child too, and loved the peace, love, and the earth." She spat, gave him a green ocarina with blue and pink flowers on it, and disappeared in a flash of hippie magic. That's right, hippies _do_ have magic.

Ganondorf grinned an evil grin. "You were a hippie? One of them blokes that just run around without any shirts on and without bathing for weeks on end?"

"Well, there was a phase when I did get all Flower-Powery and wore a flowery tunic but..." Raikua blushed and giggled.

"That brings disturbing images to my mind, and by Din, I like them!"

"Eh heh heh...Let's all go see this Princess!" And with that The Authoress, The King of Evil, The Annoying Fairy, and The Ex-Hippie all set off to find the Princess.

* * *

Regruu, having just been sucked into the game, landed with a thud. "Oof...That hurt! Where am I?" She got up and looked around, noting with distaste that she was located in a tastefully decorated room that smelled strongly of fresh linen and cinnamon. "This place is actually clean, unlike that hovel of a computer room Raikua lives in. Did Raikua's foolish spell-type-thing really work? Am I in Hyrule?"

"Yes, you are." Regruu twirled around and came face-to-face with the speaker of the voice. "EEK!"

* * *

"Is this Hyrule Castle Town?" Raikua asked, spinning around so to catch all the wondrous sights that she couldn't really catch on the game because the camera was rather wonky in the town by the castle.

"Yup!" Link replied cheerfully.

"Wow. It's a lot bigger than it looked on the other side of the TV."

"What?" Raikua suddenly remembered that, since there wasn't electricity in Hyrule, there was no TV.

"Oh, you wouldn't understand. Can I walk now Ganny?" Ganondorf, who by now was quite blue from Raikua clinging to his neck and choking him, agreed quickly.

"YAY! Is there any place to eat here Link? I'm hungry, I want food!"

"We don't have any money."

"Oh..." Raikua's face fell and she put on a I'm-hungry!-I'd-do-anything-for-food expression. "I want food! I want food! I want food! I want food! I want food! I want..."

This continued for several minutes, or at least until Link had lost all his remaining sanity. "Make her stop Ganondorf! I can't take this!"

"Why me?"

"Because you're the adult! Make her stop!"

"Okay, elf boy, I'll try."

"I WANT FOOD! GIMME FOOD!"

"Um...Raikua?"

"Hnmmm, my darling Ganondorf?"

"We don't have any money to buy food..."

"Sell something then."

"Um...Link?"

"Yeah...?"

"Can we sell Navi?" Link looked at Ganondorf strangely for a moment, and then grinned broadly. "...If it'll make the demon stop...OKAY!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Copy Raikua's Fortress of Evil, Copy Raikua was gazing into her magical crystal orb-like-thingy and grinning wolfishly. "I should have known that Raikua's hunger would kick in sooner or latter. And I know just who will buy that annoying fairy," She quickly made her way across her very large room and opened the door. "Oh Nemisis!" Copy Raikua called. Her purple-and-yellow lizard-servant appeared.

"Will you please get my ultra-cute and beloved second-in-command, and tell him to buy a bright blue fairy named Navi?"

"Is that all, Evil Queen of Annoyance?"

"No. Will you also tell him that he's still the King of Kaiwaii?"

"Yes, oh-great-and-wonderful-and-beautiful-and-glorious-Queen,-who-can-surely-kick- Raikua's-rear-and-conquer-the-world-with-her-power-and-magic!" Nemisis said in one breath, and skipped out of the room.

"This will be fun! Very fun!"

* * *

"I wonder who would buy a bossy, bright blue fairy that's extremely annoying?" Link wondered out loud, looking for any buyers.

"Kekekeke..." A voice from somewhere behind the trio laughed. They whirled around. The bearer of that laugh was a very short person who wore a large red robe with a large hood. Beneath this hood, a faint glint of crimson eyes could be seen.

"Kekekeke...I'll buy the fairy!"

"How much are you gonna pay?" Ganondorf asked, slightly suspicious, because this person reminded him of a certain blue-haired boy that had accompanied Copy Raikua.

"Well, let's see. 5,123 Rupees!" Link jumped back in surprise.

"Okay mister, here's the fairy, gimme the money, and have a wonderful life!" And so, Link got 5, 123 rupees and the Mysterious Stranger got a fairy.

Regruu had a mission. A very important mission that the Scary Old Guy had sent her on. 'I wonder if Raikua will see through my disguise?' She thought, and quickly transformed into something marvelous.

"Well Raikua, this is the only restaurant in Hyrule. Eat." Ganondorf said, poking banefully at a bowl of teriyaki chicken feet.

And Raikua did just that.

Twelve bowls of rice, eighteen glasses of chocolate milk, and roughly fifty-seven to sixty-eight plates of fish, chicken, and noodles, Raikua was full. Or at least she wasn't eating.

"Come on, let's go see the Princess!" Link said, sounding slightly sick from watching Raikua eat twice her bodyweight. Ganondorf had turned more green than usual.

"Yes, let's go Link. I think I'm sick."

* * *

"You can not enter Hyrule Castle." The Irritable Castle Guard said irritably.

"Why?" Raikua asked.

"Because you're not supposed to go in there."

"Why?"

"Because the King said so."

"Why?" "Because he's bossy."

"Why?"

"Because he's the King."

"Why?"

"Because he has a crown on his head."

"Why?"

"Because he's royalty." This went on for several hours, or at least twenty minutes.

"...Why?"

"Because he lives in a pineapple under the sea."

"Why?"

"Because he's a sponge."

"Oh, okay...By the way, did you know that, since I kept asking questions, I created a diversion and those two sneaked into the castle."

"WHAT!" Raikua merely giggled, whacked the Guard with her staff, and, using her magical-Author-powers, teleported to where her two comrades were.

* * *

"Zelda looks...different..." Ganondorf commented.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, my lovely stupid-head" Link replied.

"Are you flirting with Ganondorf, Link?" Raikua asked innocently, for it was one of the unwritten laws of bad fanfiction that characters who argue all the time must obviously be madly, deeply, and truly in love, even if they hate each other in the canon.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU LITTLE SHORT CRAZY INSANE BLONDE PERSON!" Ganondorf yelled, fire bursting from him in a burst of mad, fiery fury. Link smiled nonchalantly and roasted a marshmallow. Raikua blushed and sweatdropped.

"..N...Nothing, nothing at all men. Let's go talk to Zelda... Or Sailor Moon..."

Zelda certainly did look different. Her dress and muffin-hat, for lack of better phrasing, were gone, and she now donned an aqua Sailor Senshi uniform. Her hair was up in two pigtails, and on her tiara-like-thingy she had a blue Triforce instead of a gem. The fangirl by Ganondorf's side squealed like a fangirlish little piglet.

Link blinked. "Hi." Ganondorf blinked. "Hi." Raikua grinned broadly.

"Hello, Sailor Blue Zelda. It is I, Raikua, the Senshi of Sugar and Insanity." Raikua twirled around on one foot, and became the white-suited, staff-wielding, stiletto heeled..."Sailor Hyper Raikua!"

"Gosh, I didn't know YOU where a Sailor Scout, Raikua..." Zelda said. The Authoress detransformed with an angry scowl on her face.

"I'm not a _scout_, silly girl who has only seen the dub version, I'm a _senshi_...Anyway, we have to give you the pretty green stone. Ganny, give Triforce Zelda the stone." Ganondorf obliged.

"WOW!" Sailor Triforce Zelda –for she decided that sounded much better than Sailor Blue Zelda- cried, her eyes becoming large and sparkly. "It's the Spiritual Stone of the Forest. You keep it though, 'cause I gotsa tell you a story!"

"STORY-TIME!" Raikua cried gleefully, conjuring up a bag of tasty popcorn. Link and Ganondorf groaned, one out of want of popcorn and the other just because he had to spend another minute of his life in the presence of the miniskirted boy and the otaku. "Well, once upon a time, three gold thingys went to Hyrule and made the Triforce. And then one day, out of nowhere, two strangers appeared at here. One had hair as red as red and the other one was super-adorable, yet somehow evil-ish. And they're here and they're bad and I don't like them and they won't go away. They're gonna get the Triforce I think, people. You gotsa get the other shiny stones and the Ocarina of Time, so we can get the Triforce first! You hear?"

"Okay!"

"That's the spirit Link! Okays, look in this window, and this is where the one of the evil persons are." Needless to say, they looked in, for they had nothing better to do.

What did they see? Copy Raikua, of course! Link had only seen the evil, short, clone of Raikua in his dreams, and she looked exactly like she did in his dreams, if somehow more hyperly evil. She looked exactly like Raikua, except that her relatively short hair was fire-red. She was dressed differently too, fore her t-shirt and jeans were a sickening bright electric pink, and her glasses had a noxious purple tint to them.

"Eepers, Raikua. She's scarier than you..." But at those words, Copy Raikua looked straight at Link and winked, as if to say, 'You're right! I _am _scarier!'

"Let's get them stones so we can get the Triforce! I claim the middle of it!" Raikua cried.

"There isn't a middle to it...But I claim the Triforce of Power!"

"I wantsa the Triforce of Smartyness!"

"...You mean wisdom? I want the Triforce of Courage!"

"Okay! But I want the middle of the Triforce anyway!"

* * *

Now that out heroes have met Zelda, what is their fate? What will happen to Navi? Who exactly is the Mysterious Stranger? Will our heroes get the Triforce before Copy Raikua does? Why was Link a hippie? And just what happened to Regruu? And most importantly of all, does anyone even care? 


	4. Taco Madness: The Search for the Spiritu...

The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua

Taco Madness! The Search for the Spiritual Stone of Fire!

* * *

"That was...odd..." Link commented, as he walked into Hyrule Field.

"I know... Impa wasn't there..." Ganondorf said quietly. "...And Impa only leaves Zelda if there's an emergency..."

"Who is this Impa you speak of?" Link asked, twirling around a bit on one foot.

"Zelda's nanny, idiot."

"Strange...What do you think Raikua?"

"What do I think? What do I think? Do you really want to know what I think?"

"What do you think?" "I think that Impa is going to fall out of the sky and teach us a song." Ganondorf and Link immediately fell down laughing.

"Like THAT would ever happen!" The two men chortled in unison.

_BAMPH!_

The two men stopped giggling and looked up. Hovering in front of them was no other than the ultra-scary...

"IMPA?"

"Get up you two, we have important matters to discuss. I believe you, Raikua, should listen too."

"What are these important matters?" Link asked, his voice nervous. He found this metal-clad woman rather frightening and oddly errant.

"These important matters are about your, you and Ganondorf's, destinies." Raikua looked confused.

"What about MY destiny?"

"I'll get to that. Anyway, as you may have realized, things are wrong in Hyrule. Very wrong. There are things in our beautiful country that shouldn't ever be here. Namely, Raikua, Copy Raikua, and Copy Raikua's monster-servants. It wasn't your destiny to set foot into Hyrule, yet it has happened."

The Sheikah woman paused for a moment for dramatic effect and looked thoughtful. "If Raikua hadn't accidentally let that vile Copy Raikua into this realm, things would be ever so much different. You, Ganondorf, would have gotten the Triforce of Power and be the King of Hyrule." Ganondorf growled.

"That hyper-active little femme-beast stopped me from taking over Hyrule! I'll get her!" He yelled, very angry indeed.

"SILENCE! As I was saying. Link, you would become the Hero of Time, defeat Ganondorf, and seal him away in the Sacred Realm for all eternity. And I believe Raikua would be just a normal girl, undisturbed."

"No I wouldn't! I'm already disturbed." Impa ignored her.

"Copy Raikua shouldn't be here, yet she is, and she has shattered your destinies! You must stop her!"

"We will." Ganondorf said, while cursing Copy Raikua in his mind. She had prevented him from getting part of the Triforce and becoming king! He'd kill her, find a way to reincarnate her, and kill her again, but this time with rabid chipmunk. "Before you leave Link, I must teach you this completely useless song." Impa conjured a whistle out of nothingness, and played Zelda's Lullaby. Link whipped out his Ocarina, and played the song too. "There. You know the song. I must go." And with a 'BAMPH!', Impa was gone.

"Come on, let's go to the Goron City. That's where they keep the Spiritual Stone of Fire."

"Okay Ganny!"

* * *

Copy Raikua grinned, as she gazed into her magic-orb-that-let-her-spy-on-people. "So, she says I shouldn't be here, eh? That means I have to cause even more chaos! Oh Nemisis!" Her evil-yellow-and-purple-lizard-servant soon appeared.

"What is it, oh Evil Queen of Annoyance?" The lizard simpered.

"Tell my army not to attack the enemy. I'm gonna do it myself."

* * *

"So this is Kakariko? I like!" Raikua said, as she skipped up the stairs leading to the Death Mountain Gate. Link and Ganondorf looked on in mild amusement, the latter glowing totally non-suspiciously.

"It is. Something's wrong though..." Link replied, gazing around the town.

"Oh please, nothing's wrong here. Can't you see?" Ganondorf said.

"That's it. Everything is too perfect."

"You go Link! You've been watching your detective movies, haven't you?" In response to Link's blank look, she quickly added, "Forget I even said that. Hey look, we're here! Let's go in!" Link crossed his arms, and said, "The gate's up. We can't go in."

"Oh..."

"Oh please, did you two forget? I'm a sorcerer! I can teleport!" Ganondorf said brightly, doing a happy little dance that vaguely reminded Raikua of another evil redhead she knew.

"WHAT!"

"If you can teleport, why didn't you just teleport us to the Castle? That way we would've saved a bunch of time!"

"Well Linky, I can't teleport all the time. But I can now, so come on you two! Let's go!" Ganondorf cried cheerily, sounding quite like Raikua often did. Link and Raikua were quite puzzled by his behavior.

"I'm quite puzzled at your behavior, dearest Ganondorf. Perchance you have discovered caffeine?" Ganondorf only blinked and grinned, making shivers run down Raikua and Link's spines.

"Of course not, Raikua!" Link was confused, though not as much as the time the entire population of Kokiri Village decided to wear red one day without bothering to tell him.

"If you haven't discovered this caffeine-thing Raikua speaks of, then why are you hyper Ganondorf?" He grinned even more.

"Because I'm simply not Ganondorf. I just possessed him five minutes ago."

"Then who are you?"

"Copy Raikua. Make that, Evil Queen of Annoyance, Copy Raikua!"

With a tremendous BAMPH and a flash of light, Copy Raikua appeared before them. A bewildered Ganondorf stood off to the side, wondering just what was going on and whether or not he'd be blamed for it.

"COPY!" Raikua cried. "Leave us alone!"

"Yeah! You possessed me! That's just not right!"

"You tormented both of my partners. I know you are bad like a radish!" Copy Raikua simply smiled her evil little smile and shot a magical, electric orb at Link. "Consider this a warning. In till we meet again, goodbye." And with that, Copy Raikua disappeared.

"Well, that was a lovely diversion. Come, let us go."

* * *

"Mountain climbing sure takes a lot of work. Couldn't you just teleport us Ganondorf?"

"No...I can't teleport, despite what an evil midget might say."

"May I be of assistance?" A new voice asked. The trio stared at the owner of the voice. "My name is Neko."

"That's a bit ironic. You're not exactly a cat..."

Raikua was right. Neko wasn't a cat in the least bit. Neko was an enormous Wolfos. She was rather large with bright, red eyes that shone like two shiny red eyes. Her pelt was mostly black with a little bit of purple around her tail, muzzle, and legs. She would have looked almost threatening, if it weren't for the large red bow around her neck.

"How can you help us? I mean, you're a Wolfos. Wolfoses are bad..." Neko snorted.

"Link-Boy, after since that Copy came, she's recruited a new army and left us in the dust. Us Wolfoses are mad, along with all those other strange...things... Now, I'm gonna help you, whether you like it or not." The wolf growled, and in a flash of darkness, for lack of better phrasing, Raikua, Link, and Ganondorf found themselves in front of the door leading to Goron City.

"That was quick..." Link said dazedly.

"Yeah..." Ganondorf whispered in reply.

"Now, you silly heroes can go in there and take care of business! Adios, kid." And in another flash of darkness, Neko disappeared.

"That's the strangest Wolfos I've ever seen!"

"Raikua...That's the only Wolfos you've ever seen..."

"Well, dearest Ganny, you may be right..." Raikua paused for a moment. "Let's go in and get the brightly shining jewel!"

* * *

"Well now, Goron City is odd..." Ganondorf commented, glancing around the underground city. He was quite right. The walls donned bright red-and-green chili-pepper-shaped lights; -Why they were working was a great mystery, considering electricity hadn't been invented in Hyrule yet- lanterns burning with green and blue fire, and bright yellowy-red paint. All around the city could be seen the Gorons. And yes, the Gorons had changed too. It seemed everyone of them was wearing a brightly-colored togas and that they all were dancing a frantic sort of dance to the beat of invisible drums in the middle of the city.

Link was most amused. And confused.

"What happened here?" Ganondorf asked Link and Raikua, who for once was speechless.

"I don't know Ganondorf, I just don't know..." The three watched the dancing Gorons for a couple of minutes.

"You know Link, Raikua?"

"What?"

"I could break dance right now."

Link looked at Raikua, Raikua looked at Link, they both looked at Ganondorf, and started laughing hysterically.

"How disturbing..."

"Yeah... Very..."

One of the Gorons heard what Ganondorf had said. "Come join us Brother, in the dance of the Taco King!" That invoked more laughter from the two youngest members of the trio.

"I'm most flattered, Mr. Goron, but...um..." The Goron had taken him by the arm and was attempting to drag him into the bunny-hop line. Naturally, Ganondorf screamed like a little girl.

Everything stopped. Raikua stood still, wondering what had happened. Link quietly watched, not sure of what would happen. Ganondorf silently wondered what he had done. Then a loud booming voice echoed through the city.

"You fools! You stupid rock heads! Where did you put the Golden Taco? If the Burrito King finds it, we're toast!" From out of one of the many doorways in the city, walked none other than Darunia! He had changed, but personally, Raikua thought it was all for the better. Like the other Gorons, he donned a toga. His however was royal red with gold trim, and on his head was a nice shiny crown. Also, in his right hand, he had a golden scepter topped with a little diamond shaped like a taco.

"Hullo, Your Majesty, Darunia, King of Tacos!" Raikua cried, bowing in a sort of hyper fashion. Darunia looked amazed.

"How do you know my name, little girl?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"Your Majesty," Link began. "Can we have the Spiritual Stone of Fire?" The King blinked.

"No, of course not..."

"If we did something for you, like find your Golden Taco, would you give it to us then?" Ganondorf asked.

"For the Golden Taco? Let me think...YES! We can't finish our Taco ceremony without it! Go now and get it! It's probably in Taco Cavern! Many lost things end up there!"

"Can we have something so that we may survive the undoubtedly terrifying, blood-curdling experiences that surely lie in wait for us in the Taco Cavern and return to you with your most treasured object, the Golden Taco, and thus be granted the Spiritual Stone of Fire?" Raikua asked the Taco King, in one quick breath.

"Yes. Take these." Three magic objects appeared in front of the Trio.

"Wow," Ganondorf said. In his hands he now held a nice whip that he could fight his enemies with if he really wanted to.

"Neat!" Link cried. He now flamethrower, with which he could torch his foes with. Raikua was almost too lost for words.

"Spiffy!" She now had a little silver device, with a little red light on top and a pair of black sunglasses. "It's just like in 'Men in Black'!"

"What?" "Raikua put on the glasses and flashed the light.

"You didn't hear me say anything about the 'Men in Black'. They don't exist. Thank you."

"Okay!" Link said blandly, wondering just were he was, Suddenly Raikua's Brainwasher-Thingy turned black and shriveled into nothingness. "One-time use, I guess..."

"The entrance to the Cavern is down the mountain a bit. You can get there by going outside our city, make a right, and jump off the cliff."

"Okay!" And with that, they went outside , made a right, and jumped off the cliff. "Ouch. That hurt." Link groaned.

"Well at least you didn't land on you head..." Ganondorf picked himself off of the very hard ground, which happened to be comprised of mostly hard, hard rock. Raikua, who was relatively unhurt, started laughing like a crazed monkey on caffeine. Link and Ganondorf promptly gave her the look of death, which shut her up for about a nanosecond.

"Well, we're here..." Link said solemnly, peering into the mouth of the cavern.

"Yeah...Let's go in." At Ganondorf's words, Link suddenly seemed to turn extremely girly and hyper. "Okay Ganondorf! Raikua, you follow us. Don't touch anything that has even the slightest possibility of being explosive. We don't want to be blasted into little bite-sized smithereens now, do we?" Link said, in a sort of annoying parenty tone. Raikua grinned evilly and said in her little-psycho-girl voice, "Oh I won't Mr. Link. I won't touch anything at all. We won't be blasted into little bite-sized smithereens. Oh, no no no no no." Ganondorf sweatdropped, having recognized that voice as one he used when he was young and short, and about to cause all sorts of chaos. Link, however, was completely oblivious to this, and cheerily exclaimed in a girly, high-pitched voice, "Then let's come on then!"

"Wow! This place is all shiny! This is great!" Link cried out, still using the annoying-girly-voice. Ganondorf sweatdropped again, and then took a good look around. They were in the main part of the cavern, and it was amazing. The walls seemed to be made of solid gold and there were little crystals imbedded into the floor, which on closer inspection, resembled tacos. And then, our dear Ganondorf sweatdropped again when he saw the Bomb Flowers growing everywhere. Raikua just grinned.

"Link, the little psycho's gonna blow us up!"

"Nonsense! Raikua wouldn't harm a fly! She doesn't want to hurt us at all!" When Link was out of earshot, Raikua whispered in her little- psycho-girl voice, "But I do…" Needless to say, Ganondorf sweatdropped.

"Let's move on…" Ganondorf whispered, fear of whatever that little-psycho-girl might do. Raikua, however, was most pleased that she had instilled fear into the heart of the King of Evil, and began laughing hysterically.

"Let's catch up to Linky! Okay Ganny? Of course it's okay! Okay is good! Yay!" Ganondorf gave her an odd look, and they continued.

"Wow…This place is nifty!" squealed Link, who started to dance.

"Wow Linky! You speak my language! Nifty!"

"I know Raikua! Isn't that nifty!"

"It's the niftiest thing ever!"

"Nifty!"

"Very Nifty!"

"Nifterrifict!"

"Niftalicous!"

As Link and Raikua made up odd synonyms to the word 'nifty', Ganondorf heard a familiar clink. "Um, guys? We're locked in."

"WHAT? How can that be, friend?"

"Are you sure, dearest Ganny?"

"Yup." Link looked around. "My, oh my! It seems we are trapped in a large room with exploding flowers and a rock hampering our way. What shall we do friends?" Ganondorf glared at him.

"Okay, first of all, I AM NOT, AND I REPEAT, NOT YOUR FRIEND! Second of all, why don't we just blow up the rock?"

Link gasped. "I've got it! Why don't we just blow up this rock?"

Raikua did a happy-dance. "Linky is a genius!"

Ganondorf crossed his arms. "That's what I just said!"

"You called Linky a genius?"

"Let's all be friends!"

"Forget this, let's go…"

Ganondorf, naturally, did not, under any circumstances, want to throw the bomb flower at the rock. Of course, naturally, he was chosen to do so. With precise aim, he hurled the flower. With a loud 'BOOM!' the bomb exploded.

Raikua was the first to notice.

"Ganny, it didn't explode!"

Indeed, the rock was still there. Ganondorf looked thoughtful for a moment. "We could melt it. Link has a flamethrower."

"And friend, you have a whip! With my flamethrower and your whip, we could overcome our obstacle"

"And I could sing!" Link and Ganondorf immediately sweatdropped.

"Please…no!" But she did anyway.

"This is just great!" Link exclaimed happily. A forcible stream of angry red flames shot out of the nozzle of his flamethrower. It was melting the rock quickly. Ganondorf hit the rock one more time with his whip.

"We all live in a yellow submarine! A yellow submarine! A yellow submarine in a sea of green!" Raikua's singing wasn't doing much, although it did definitely annoy Ganondorf. It should be interesting to note that as she was singing that particular song, George Harrison and John Lennon rolled over in their graves.

After an eternity, or at least 30 minutes, the rock burst apart, and a new door was exposed, which of course the three went through.

"Spiffarific!" cried the voice of Link. Ganondorf blinked joyfully.

"This place is great!"

"Life is good!" said Raikua.

Indeed, this place was good, great, and spiffarific. The walls were of a deep, deep gold with reddish-brown splotches. On the ceiling was a giant painting of Gorons, random assorted Mexican food, Darunia, and electric pink dragons. The floor was shiny, a bit slippery, and speckled with the little taco crystals. Ganondorf looked thoughtful for a moment. "Five…Four…Three…Two…One…"

The moment Ganondorf announced one, a giant, electric pink dragon appeared out of nowhere. Not only was he pink, he was wearing a crown with little crystals shaped like burritos.

"I AM THE BURRITO KING! WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?"

"It wasn't me!"

The Burrito King then ate Link and Ganondorf whole. Raikua's eyes got very big, and she turned red. "OH NO, YOU DON'T. YOU DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EAT MY BISHIES!" Raikua then picked up Link's flamethrower and Ganondorf's whip, and, after striking a couple of dramatic poses, beat the ever-loving crap out of the Burrito King.

After a few minutes, the giant dragon exploded, and Link and Ganondorf appeared, covered with digestive fluids but not relatively hurt. It might be interesting to note that the exact moment the Burrito King was vanquished, it began to rain Mexican food on Death Mountain. It also might be interesting to note that the Golden Taco fell on an overjoyed King Darunia's head.

"Wow! I saved the day!" Link cried, as he and Raikua and Ganondorf stepped out of Taco Cavern.

"Indeed you did, young Link!" King Darunia said, and gave him a one-armed hug that nearly broke every bone in his body. Raikua sweat-dropped, but decided not to comment.

"Take this Spiritual Stone of Fire, and celebrate in the Ceremony of Taco Greatness!"

"My lord, what are we to do with all of this food that has rained down upon us?" asked one Goron.

"Why don't you just…eat…them?" Ganondorf asked, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which it was.

"Very well then. Let us eat taco!"

* * *

Our heroes –the King of Evil, the Future Hero of Time, and the Authoress- have gained the Spiritual Stone of Fire, but will they manage to gain the last stone, the Spiritual Stone of Water? Will the Gorons manage to eat all of the tasty Mexican dishes or will there be massive indigestion? When will something interesting happen? Most importantly, when will anybody start to care? 


	5. Stage Jitters! The Search for the Spirit...

The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua

Stage Jitters! The Search for the Spiritual Stone of Water

* * *

"On the road again! We're on the road again! Sing it, brothers! We're on the road again! The road again! The road! Again! On the road! We're just on the road again! On the road!" Raikua sang, as she, Ganondorf, and Link walked in Hyrule Field. 

"Now remember, class, we're going to Lon Lon Ranch and then Zora's Domain? Can you spell Zora's Domain? Z-O-R-A-Apostrophe!–S-Space!-D-O-M-A-I-N!" Link said, in a manner like Raikua's-teacher-from-kindergarten. Ever since the visit to the Taco Cavern, Link had become strangely happy, hyper, and very annoying. Ganondorf clutched an empty Aspirin bottle.

"Raikua, conjure me up some more of these pills and I'll love you forever."

"Only on one condition."

"What's the condition? I've got the headache of doom. I'll do ANYTHING!". "Anything?" She asked, grinning mischievously. Ganondorf sweatdropped, but his headache from Link's constant chatter was so intense, that he would do anything it took to get another headache-relieving-pill.

"Anything!"

"Well then…Well then…Well then…"

"Well what?"

"I WANT A PIGGY-BACK RIDE!" She squealed, running around in wild circles.

"Not that!"

"Yes that!"

"Noooooooo!"

"Well then, I'll just have to sing some more! On the road again; We're on the road-"

"Okay! I'll give you a ride, but just to the Ranch! I NEED medication!"

"Okay then, dearest Ganny, you shall be medicated!" With that, Raikua jammed thirty aspirins into Ganondorf's mouth, after jumping on his back.

"If you don't die of liver failure from too many pills, then your headache's gone for at least three weeks!" He mumbled something vague in response about water.

"Ganny, you don't need WATER to swallow pills! You just need a good, old-fashioned knock in the head with my staff-like-thingy!" She raised her staff up dramatically. He instantly swallowed.

"I'm fine! Really, I am!"

"See, it worked!"

"…I hate you…."

"Brothers and sisters, we are here!" Link cried, pointing to the very large gates of Lon Lon Ranch.

"…I'm NOT your brother…"

"Oh boy, it's big! And shiny! And spiffy! And great and good and a whole bunch of other stuff!"

As they walked in the Ranch, they noted that it was indeed big, spiffy, great, good, and a whole bunch of other stuff, though not shiny.

A big, white house stood next to a great, green field, in which horses and cows ran about. Cuckoos hopped every-which-way catching grasshoppers, and people ran to their jobs, doing the typical, ranch-type-duties that typical ranch-type people usually do on a typical ranch-type place.

In the middle of the field, a Hylian girl sat, doing things that typical Hylian girls don't normally do. The little, red-headed girl was playing with dolls, a rather unremarkable activity, but it was the way she was playing with them that was unique. While most little girls hold their dolls and have little tea parties with them, this girl was using her telekinetic powers to make the dolls float in the air and actually talk. This was Malon, daughter of the ranch owner, drinker of herbal tea, and all-around creepy psychic.

"Well, THAT'S disturbing," Ganondorf said, staring at the psychic Malon.  
"Yes, my greatly loved friend Ganondorf, yes it is!"

"Hey, I'M the only one around here that loves Ganny, ya hear Fairy-Boy?" Raikua said, very irked indeed. " 'Cos this ain't no slash fic…yet…"

"Fairy-Boy, an interesting name I must say…" A voice said behind the Trio, who promptly turned around.

"Malon. And you are Raikua, Ganondorf, and Link."

"How'd you know that?" Ganondorf cried.

"'Cause she's psychic, baka. Kinda like the Pet Psychic on Animal Planet, except she doesn't talk to animals."

"Eh, don't ask about her, kid. She's just weird…"

"Ganny's right! I AM weird! I want to start a weird club one day and weird people can join and we can all be weird because weird is good and-"

"Can I be in your club, my dear friend Raikua?"

"Only if you bring little fancy sandwiches from France!"

"Oh boy! Little fancy sandwiches from France!"  
"And I'll bring super-duper soup from Sweden!"

"Yes! Super-duper soup from Sweden!"

Malon stared at Link and Raikua and then glanced at Ganondorf.

"You are on a mission to defeat the Evil Queen of Annoyance, are you not?"

"…Yeah, I guess so."

"Then, Ganondorf Dragmire, it is only fitting that you have someone with clairvoyance to help and guide you along the way…"

"Soooo, you want to come with us?"

"Well, yes. May I?" Malon asked, but she already knew the answer.

"Okay. I'm just not responsible for any loss of sanity caused by those other two…"

* * *

"Well, I warned you," Ganondorf said, as if quite used to the whole ordeal. 

"You did not say they were THIS bad!"

"Well, you're a psychic. I thought you'd just read their minds and see they're so annoying."

"It doesn't work like that!"

"Friends, we're here!" Link cried, quite oblivious to Ganondorf's glare, as he and the others stopped in front of a large, colorful building. Raikua's eyes lit up and she started to dance around in a rather hyper manner.

"It's amazing! It wonderful! It's marvelous! It's perpendicular!" She shouted gleefully, while doing something that resembled both the Macarena and a square dance.

"…My goddesses! She dances worse than she sings!" Ganondorf exclaimed. Malon merely shrugged. Link mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like mayonnaise and then joined Raikua in her happy-dance-of-utmost-joy.

"You DO know I can use my power to make them stop dancing or whatever it is they're doing…" Malon said, sniffing slightly because she was allergic to stupid people.

Ganondorf quickly shook his head. "No, no. I'm afraid what they might do. Raikua can be a little psychopath and, well, Link has a sword. I've learned never to tick off a person with a sword."

"Do you wish to elaborate on that?"

He growled at the memory. "Let's just say that a certain Gerudo got mad at a certain Gerudo King when they broke up and leave it at that. Okay?"

"All right."

"Oh my shining, slippery stars!" A new voice, which had a pronounced lisp, exclaimed. "Such vision! Such talent! You're perfect! You must come with me!"

* * *

"So, my fish, why are we here again?" Raikua asked, as two Zoran make-up assistants proceeded to dump roughly five metric tons of glitter upon her. The roaming talent scout who justhappened the be the lisping new voice mentioned above – his name happened to be Mr. Fishykins- laughed. 

"Why, so you can star in a play alongside Ms. Ruto."

"Oh, okay!"

"Excuse me sir, but what's Ruto's part?" Ganondorf asked, flipping dispassionately through a slightly damp script.

"She's the dazzling daughter of a well-to-do banker who falls in love with a poor, but handsome, boy, played by Mr. Link."

" Malon's role?"

"She's Ms. Ruto's best friend, but conspires behind Ms. Ruto's back to do Mr. Link in."

"And Raikua's?"

"She's a timid, young librarian who brings the two love-birds together in the first place."

"And mine?"

"You're the ugly sister."

"Oh… I guess that explains the pink dress and blue eyeshadow…" Ganondorf commented, looking at himself in the mirror. Indeed, his usual leather outfit had been replaced by a resplendent cherry minidress made of the wondrous material that is commonly called latex, and a pair of rather high stilettos that twinkled merrily in the light. There was much paint spread upon his green visage: shiny lipstick, gaudy, glittery eyeshadow, and rapidly red rouge. It made the Zoras in the room want to gouge out their eyeballs with a spoon. It just made Raikua want to write a slash fic really, really bad. "Erm, when does it start?"

"You two won't show up for at least another hour."

"That's good since me and Ms. Raikua were just fancying to take a walk and erm, read our lines."

"Well, by all means, go on! Me and these lovely ladies have to go off and powder Ms. Ruto's nose!"

* * *

The two walked to a relatively abandoned portion of the giant theater. Raikua, for once, was not latched onto Ganondorf, as the poor man kept tripping over his rhinestone-studded heels. 

"Left foot, right foot! Left foot, right foot!" Raikua chanted.

"That's not helping!" He snapped, glowing an odd shade of plaid for no reason.

"First time, huh?"

"Yes! Do you know how HARD it is to walk in stilettos?"

"Yes," She nodded in what appeared to be sympathy. "It's so very hard Ganny. So hard! I only wish you didn't have to wear them so soon! You're too young!" She then proceeded to sob and sniff into Ganondorf's shirt, or rather dress. "May I cuddle you now?"

"Please don't. Anyway, Raikua, why are we here? We should be getting the other, what were they called?"

"Spiritual Stones but let's just call them shiny stones 'cause they're shiny!"

"Well, we should be getting it!"

"We are, dearest Ganny!"

He crossed his arms and tried to become an imposing figure. "Well, where is it then?"

"On Ms. Ruto's necklace!"

"How do you know?"

"'Cause I'm special!"

"Sure. Happy thoughts dear, happy-"

At that moment, Ganondorf realized his almost-fatal error. Raikua, upon hearing him say dear, promptly glomped him around the neck, which made him lose his balance.

"I knew you loved me after all! I never thought you'd admit it! Oh, my love! How I adore you! How I cherish you! How I delight in every word you say! You are my stars, my moon, my shining light that guides the way to…stuff!"

"Raikua-please-let-go-" Ganondorf whispered, in a stifled sort of manner. The girl didn't seem to hear and rambled on about random things, including, but not limited to, cheddar cheese and Armani coats.

"Ooo! Now that I think of it, Red and black would look soooo spiffy on you! To accent your fiery orangey-red eyes! But I must first closer acquaint you with pink! It's the root of all evil, followed closely by horseradish and children's programming, but since you're supposed to be the King of Evil and Hamsters, more would look great on you!"

"I-dun't-care-let-me-go!"

Her eyes got all big and teary. "But you're my sun, moon, and stars! I can't just let you go, can I? I can't. I won't let you fly, even if you grow chicken wings!"

To an innocent bystander, this whole conversation would have been odd-but-amusing. For a spoiled Zoran Princess/actress, it would have seemed very odd-and-scary.

"I don't want to know, do I?" A certain Zora said as she passed the duo in the hall.

"No-You-Don't-Let-Me-Go-Raikua!"

"See, Ganny! She had a shiny stone on her necklace!"

"That's-Nice-Let-Me-Go-I-Need-To-Breathe!"

"But you're turning such a spiffy shade of turquoise!"

Ganondorf decided to try a different approach.

"You-wouldn't-want-your-sun-moon-and-stars-to-suffocate."

Raikua, though she really didn't want to, unglomped herself from the Gerudo man. The normal olive color quickly returned to his face.

"I can breathe!"

"Is life good now?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Good, you say? Merely bearable."

* * *

Link was onstage. He didn't know what he was doing, since, the boy didn't read most of the script, but he found that the whole thing was very interesting. He stared at Ganondorf. The older man looked rather good in that shiny dress. Of course, Link automatically liked anything shiny, even if it was the most awful shade of pink ever imagined_. Especially_ if it was the most awful shade of pink ever imagined. He glanced at his other co-stars. Malon had a rubber knife in her hand and was looking quite bored. Raikua was delivering some lines about true love and the like and Ruto was just standing there, trying to look her prettiest. He stared at her hefty head for a while. The lights were making it shiny. 

But where were the lights coming from? He looked up. On the ceiling were light bulbs, but since he didn't remember seeing the lights in Goron City, he was quite confused. Why were they so shiny? Maybe they kept little fairies in them. He wondered if he should let the little fairies free. Surely they needed room to breathe, or did they? But if he let them go, they wouldn't be shiny! And he liked shiny things! Shiny was good! 'All hail the shininess of shiny things!' He thought.

"SHINY!"

Ruto stared at him. Surely that wasn't his line, right? Right? She wasn't sure what to do at first, but then decided, being the great actress she was, to improvise.

"Yes, the ring you, eh, have given me is indeed shiny and I am grateful you want to marry me.

"You want to marry me?" Link was confused again. "Gee, I've never been married before…"

"Neither have I!"

Raikua smiled her trying-too-hard-to-be-cute smile, and made happy, squealing noises. "Oooh! You'll be so happy together! Of course, you'll have to wait seven years before you're old enough to get married, but that's plenty of time to get to know each other!"

"Yes, yes," Ruto said, and then tried to think of something nice to end the play with. "Oh, my love," She began "How I adore you! How I cherish you! How I delight in every word you say! You are my stars, my moon, my shining light that guides the way to…happy stuff!"

Ruto didn't realize her big mistake. Raikua turned an angry red.

"THAT WAS MY LINE! MY LINE! MINE! NOT RUTO'S! RAIKUA'S!"

"…I said happy!"

"Malon, now!"  
Using her power, Malon floated the knife and stabbed the living daylights out of Ruto. Or at least, it looked like that to the audience. They all gasped in shock.

"That was unexpected," One audience member stated.

"And then," Ganondorf said nervously. "The rich girl died and her lover fell in passionate love with the girl's murderer. As for the librarian, she was committed to an insane asylum, where she now spends her days staring at the walls. And me? I took my sister's necklace and spend my days in peace and solitude. Erm, good night!"

* * *

The curtain fell and unbeknownst to the others in the theater, chaos was going on onstage. 

"I'll have you arrested for this!" Ruto screeched.

Malon stared her down. "I don't see that you shall be escaping from this in the near future. My magic is far too strong."

"Hold still, her necklace won't come off!" Ganondorf whispered.

"Pull harder! I want it! It's shiny!" Link did the all-hail-the-shiny-thing-dance. The older man just looked at him oddly. He did that a lot lately, it seemed.

"I'm trying. Oomph!" The Gerudo fell solidly to the ground. "It was on tight, but we now have the Spiritual Stone of-"  
"She stole my line! Revenge!"

"-Water. Raikua, we don't really care that she stole your line."

"But sun, moon, stars, and shining light, it's plagiarism!"

"Shiny!"

"Link, if I give you a cookie, will you shut up?"  
"We must go now, or the security personnel will come." Malon said.

* * *

And with that, the four brave adventurers, The King of Evil, The Future Hero of Time, The Great Psychic, and The Author, set off to go to the castle. What horrors will await them there? Will Copy Raikua attack them? Will they fall into the moat? Will they all live happily ever after? Will Ganondorf change his clothes? Will something interesting and possible explosive happen in the next chapter to cause people to actually care? 


	6. Chibitize Me, Cap'n!

--- The journey for the Spiritual Stones is over, but an even greater one is starting! Will our heroes be ready to open the Door of Time and face the future? Read on and see. ---

The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua

Chibi-tize me, Cap'n! The Trek to the Temple of Time

"You know, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to steal Miss Ruto's necklace," Ganondorf panted. The Hylian girl at his side gave him a look that positively screamed Well-Duh-You-Stupid-Bunny. Why it exactly screamed the last word isn't exactly known, but it did.

"Well duh, you stupid bunny," Raikua stated, after reading the look off of Malon's face.

"Do I look like a stupid bunny?" The Gerudo man asked, glaring at the blonde girl, who was currently trying to attack his boots.

"Brother, you do not look like a bunny, but you do indeed look stupid!" The Future Hero of Time exclaimed, as he twirled around in place on one foot.

"Linky, don't insult MY Ganny! He's only MINE to insult. Isn't that right, Ganny?"

"Err…Um…" Ganondorf hesitated, and then grinned the biggest grin that he ever dared to grin. "Why yes, it is true!"

Raikua blushed, squirmed around uneasily, and decided to stare at her feet. The Gerudo, however, was so happy that he was nearly skipping. Never mind, forget that. He WAS skipping. And there is nothing scarier than a skipping green man a shiny pink dress. Ganondorf grinned wider, starting to resemble a red-haired frog. He never realized how fulfilling it was to make someone blush and squirm around uneasily. But Ganondorf mentally shrugged. He wasn't the King of Evil for nothing.

"I truly am sorry to ruin your fun, but Ms. Ruto and her bodyguards are heading this way." Malon, the only one who was really paying attention to everything, said.

Link tried to look brave and daring; the keyword being tried. "I can take them, for I am Link, the Hero of Time and Lord Over All Spandex!" Raikua gasped, as she didn't know that her favourite blonde swordsman had been introduced to the wondrous material called Spandex. Malon, however, just gave Link a look that said You-Are-Cute-But-Stupid.

"Link, they are six feet tall and have muscles like gorillas'. Are you sure you can best them?" Link then made a noise like a frightened puppy and ran for his life, with the others following suit.

For once, Copy Raikua wasn't gazing intently into her magic-orb like-thingy, nor was she bossing around her servants. Actually, she was watching a television program with her beloved and undoubtedly kaiwaii second-in-command. It wasn't an ordinary program, however. This particular show was of the most horrific genre, one that made both men and young children squeamish and disturbed. Basically, it was your run-of-the-mill, sappy and romantic soap opera. Kaffe, being both male and somewhat young, was not in the least immune to the video's horrific effects. In fact, he was feeling rather sick. The young man closed his red eyes tightly and imagined himself into his happy place. It was, alas, to no avail; he could still hear the characters making sickingly sweet remarks.

"Oh, Jessica! Your eyes are limpid pools of azure that reflect into your purest soul! Your hair is as glorious as the sun! Your lips are like sweet sakura blossoms! Oh, Jessica!" Kaffe mentally vomited. He'd never talk like that to Copy Raikua, and if he did, Kaffe was sure he would have to be either crazy or possessed by some random evil being, either of which were unfortunately wholly possible due to the natural state of villainy he lived in. There was a momentarily lull in the overly-dramatic conversation, so naturally Kaffe opened his eyes. The character dubbed "Jessica" and her boyfriend were gone and were replaced by dancing, singing slices of deli meat. Kaffe's expression suddenly changed from one of complete and utter disgust to one of complete and utter joy.

"COMMERCIAL TIME!" He squealed. The Queen of Evilness glanced at her thoroughly kawaii second-in-command; she was quite used to his rapid mood changes.

"Kaffe?" Copy Raikua called, hoping to get his attention. It naturally didn't work, as the purple-haired bishouen was quite absorbed in his own little world of annoying music (If jingles can be called that) and twirling lunchmeat (If bologna can be called that.) "Kaffe?" Still no reply. "KAFFE!" Copy Raikua growled softly, glared at the young man, and chucked the remote at his head. She was not going to be ignored! Luckily, this time Kaffe noticed, mostly because his favorite commercial in the entire world had ended. He rubbed his head and looked hurt, because he was, but not really.

"What was THAT for?"

"TV time's over. Let's go take over Hyrule!"

"Oh boy!"

"You know, I think we lost 'em!" Raikua, who was very much out of breath, said.

"Indeed, my friend Raikua! You are quite right! We have indeed-"

"Link, stop talking! You have a voice that could drive even a deaf person insane" Ganondorf moaned. His giant-grin-of-doom had vanished, most likely because he had another headache that made his head feel exactly like it was caught in a blender. Traveling with the overly hyper Hero and Authoress did that to a person, even when one was stuffed full of enough aspirin to last three weeks. He wasn't the only one who fully despised Link at the moment; Malon had given him a glare that would send even the bravest man screaming home to his mother.

"So what do we do now?" The Authoress asked, peering into the entrance to the town by Hyrule Castle. It was strange that Impa and Zelda hadn't come racing out yet, but as she thought, there were stranger things to worry about. "I'm bored and Ganny needs a new wardrobe and Linky needs a haircut and Mallie-chan needs a life. Actually, I think we all need one of those. Ganny?" Raikua said in a very fake, cutesy high-pitched voice. "Do you have a life?"

"Yes, but you don't."

"Okays, but really! I'm bored! B-O-R-E-D! That spells bored!" She squealed, very bored indeed. Raikua was fine with most things but she despised being bored. "And I'm hungry! We all need to be fed!" Ganondorf audibly gasped and Link stopped his incessant twirling. Malon thought that Raikua's hunger must be truly frightful if The Hero finished dancing; Link, after all, didn't stop for nothing.

"But…But don't you remember last time?" Ganondorf stammered, already sickened by the thought of having to endure an eighty-dish-graze-a-thon. Link sat down and slowly rocked back and forth in a fetal position, like the disturbed lil' hero that he was.

"It was…terrible…Terrible! Terrible!"

"It wasn't MY fault that you guys didn't eat a thing on your plates!" Raikua said indignantly, crossing her arms and generally looking miffed. "It was a waste of food, if you ask me. And food shouldn't be wasted 'cause it makes you grow and it gives you energy and stuff."

"Raikua, if you ask ME, you don't need any more energy…"

"But Mallie-chan, I didn't ask you!"

"So? I assure you, my opinion is very important. It would be prudent to heed it." Malon superiorly said, while her blue eyes developed a sort of haughty gleam. Raikua snorted irritably and her grayish-blue eyes developed an equally haughty gleam. Apparently miffed at the diminutive authoress' eye-gleaming abilities, Malon gleamed her eyes up even more. Subsequently, Raikua became annoyed and a brighter gleam flashed across her eyes. Not one to be outdone, Malon, instead of the previous eye gleaming, gave the other girl a full glare. The blonde girl then returned the glare, making sure that her eyes glowed slightly. Of course, Malon, who was well versed in the ancient art of Making-One's-Eyes-Turn-A-Frightening-Shade-Of-Red-And-Also-Glowing-Rather-Unnaturally, made, in turn, her eyes turn a frighteningly shade of red and also glow rather unnaturally. Silently, the two other members of the quartet rapidly walked a distance away from the two girls. It would prove to be an interesting fight.

…_Thirty Minutes Later…_

"Superior Infinity Imprisoning Beam!"

" Sparkle Deadly Sugar Faerie Torrent!"

Bright purple beams of light appeared in the sky, only to be viciously attacked by billions of tiny, glowing flakes of pure, 100 saccharine sugar. Malon grimaced as her attack was shredded (If light can, in fact, be shredded) into useless ribbons. Ah, but she was not going to fail!

"Vanilla Tracker! Swirling Stapler! Attack!"

"Illumination Hacking Sword!"

A stapler that happened to be swirling appeared in the sky, closely followed by a vanilla-flavored tracking device. Suddenly, a bright sword hacked the stapler in half!

The two girls were so caught up in their fight that they didn't notice a Blinding Purple Light! And what a Blinding Purple Light it was! It was such a great Blinding Purple Light that it blinded everyone, as Blinding Lights tend to do.

After a few minutes –or at least when their eyes adjusted- the Quartet noticed a Mysterious Stranger! Or _was_ he a Mysterious Stranger? He looked familiar. This person very short person who wore a large red robe with a large hood. Beneath this hood, a faint glint of crimson eyes could be seen. Suddenly, Link, in a rare burst of intelligence, stated the obvious.

"Hey, you're the Mysterious Stranger we sold Navi to. What's happenin' meh man?"

The Mysterious Stranger blinked for a second, and then grinned a hidden evil grin. "Kekekeke! The Rapid Personality Changes _are _working!"

"What?" Link asked, staring blankly at the hooded figure. "Look man, I don't know nothing bout no Radish Personality Changes…"

"Rapid, not radish!" Raikua cried. "Radish Personality Changes are when one reverts to the personality of a vegetable! They are most perplexing!" Malon then grinned sardonically.

"I take it that you know that from past experience, eh?" She purred.

"Yes! My muse radish-tizes herself on occasion. And stop purring! Ish weird…."

"It is _not_!"

"Is too and you smell like a zoo."

"And what does that mean exactly?"

"It means that-" But Raikua was cut from her speech.

"SHUT UP!" The hooded person screeched. "You're TERRIBLY ANNOYING! It's like listening to Copy-sama-chan on a bad hair day!" Everyone obeyed him, though a certain wolfish Voice in The Distance muttered something about misuse of Japanese suffixes. "That's better!" He said cheerfully. "Now where was I…Oh! I know! I was going to introduce myself and give away my nefarious plot, just like any good boy would!"

With that, the Mysterious Stranger whipped off his cloak, and revealed…

Ganondorf gasped and had a revelation! "You're that weird boy who's with Copy Raikua!"

"Yup! Tis I: Copy Kafei!" He declared, but as a side note he added, " But Copy-sama-chan calls me Kaffe…" Raikua stared in gaping wonder, as she put two and two together.

"_Sooooooooo_… If _you're_ Copy Kafei and if you _are _a Copy and if pies really _are_ squared, then that must mean that there is, in fact, a Kafei around here. And Kafei is…Kafei! Is he an adult now, oh-great-Copy-Kafei? Is he wondrously attractive, as I think he must be?" But Copy Kafei ignored the hyperactive little Authoress.

"Now, I've got a job to do, see? This," At which he held up a large, rather dangerous looking thing that seemed to be a cross between a bazooka and a gumball machine. "Is my Laser-O-Rama. See, when you add 'O-Rama' to the back of anything, it automatically becomes cooler!"

At this Malon, raised an eyebrow. Coldly, she said, "I suppose you actually think we should care, no?"

Copy Kaffe frowned, and then grinned an enormous, pointy toothed grin.

"Heck yeah, you should! This thing can Neko-tize, pulverize, venomize, Crunchitize, digitize, and even lobotimize. But the best thing it can do is-" At this he pulled a switch on the machine, and its electric tubing lit up like carnival lights that just happen to be lighting up very brightly. It shot out a small, red circle of Purple Light –Yes, Purple Light can be red, thank you very much- that hurdled straight towards the King of Evil, though he didn't seem so evil anymore in his dress, and rather mildly idiotic, with a dash of ugly. For a split second time stood still, fish flew, and millions of fangirls that have nothing to do with this story held their breath. Then time started again, the fish fell back into the water, and the fangirls let out a harmonious 'squee.' All was right in the world, and then Ganondorf was glowing with red Purple Light, and meeping at the top of his lungs.

"Chibi-tize." Said Copy Kafei, as he finished the sentence that began in the paragraph above. Ganondorf, who was still glowing, raised a red eyebrow.

"What does _that _mean exactly?" He asked in an abnormally high voice. Raikua twitched with anticipation, Link looked lost and confused, and Malon looked as if she didn't care, which she didn't.

"It means that you've just become one years old, and that in seven years you will be eight, a perfect Chibi age! Well, I'm out of this dump! Adios, mis a-mi-gos!" Kaffe said, with a very bad Mexican accent, and then dissapered in a flash of purple Red Light. For a moment, Raikua, Malon, and Link stood with gaping mouths, wide eyes, and open ears at the spot where the strange purple-haired bishouen of kaiwaii caliber stood, and then turned to Ganondorf, and found it the perfect moment to stare some more.

Ganondorf Dragmire was a man that thought he had cunning, power, many Beautiful Women, and above all, dignity. Now, he still was sort of cunning, but he was helpless, powerless, his Beautiful Women had been replaced by a hyperactive, diminutive fangirl and a surly farmgirl with psychic power and eye-gleaming ability, and all his dignity was gone, because like dust in the wind, it just blew away the minute he was first glomped by Raikua. Or so he thought. Ganondorf found that he had just reached a new low as never seen before, except for maybe the day he broke up with his most beautiful Beautiful Woman and has subsequently discovered that swords are very sharp and hurt very much, especially when you are poked with one in public while your Adoring Public is watching your every move as you give a long and important speech about proper hygiene and ways to take over Hyrule. Ganondorf had just discovered that now he was a very small, pale green infant in adorable bunny pajamas, complete with floppy little ears and a fuzzy tail. This made him want to cry, and thus, he did, like the tiny baby he had just become. Link let out a delighted 'Awww' and then, his personality changed to something warm, maternal, fond of making food, scary, and luckily_ that_ only lasted a second, because it really would be strange for Link to be all warm and fuzzy for very long. Anyway, Raikua and Malon stared at Chibi-Gano for a second, squee-ed in delight, and then picked him up and started, much to his horror, to pinch his little cheeks and discuss what they wanted him to be when he grew up. It was most horrifying.

-_Some Time Before –_

Copy Raikua, as usual, was again looking intently into her ob-like-thingy, intent on intentionally discovering things that are of no real importance. Things that are of no real importance are very important things to super-villainesses and it was imperative that she discover them, for no apparent reason. Naturally, she was quite angry and a fair bit muddled when Nemisis, her unimportant lizard-servant-who's-only-purpose-is-to-barge-in-and-tell-Copy-Raikua-things-of-great-importance, barged into her Lair of Annoya-tude –for that was what she called the room in which she slept and baked delicious Evil Cookies- and then proceeded to tell her things of great importance.

"Oh, my great Evil Queen of Annoyance, Raikua, Ganondorf, Link, and some random farmgirl have gotten the Spiritual Stone of Water, and the Great King of Kawaii is just about to grace them with his presence, and will turn the King of Evil and Hamsters into an infant who shall grow into a Chibi in seven years, and oh! My Evil Queen of Annoyance, they shall head this way! What shall we do?" She cried, and bowed dramatically. Copy Raikua was not impressed.

"Well then, everything's going to plan. Tell my liege to replace all horses with pink hippos, and to get me a bottle of pink nail polish." She said, and pointed to a bottle that had once contained cosmetics of a reddish-white origin. Nemisis was quite bemused, bamboozled, befuddled, bewildered, _and _a bunch of other things that start with B and generally mean confused.

"Why ever do we need a bunch of pink hippos in Hyrule? Isn't that sort of strange? And why ever do you need nail polish? Isn't nail polish contrary to the Ways of Evil-ness?" She asked, and then cowered down, as all good evil henchmen do. Copy Raikua turned a funny shade of red, sort of a cross between salmon and burgundy, but leaning more to the salmon side.

"Pink is the colour of True Evil! Pink is the colour that scares even the toughest ogre, even if he is large and in need of a makeover! Pink shall lead us to victory! Pink shall make cucoos screech in terror, pink shall send small animals away from their burrows, pink shall redecorate the drabbest halls of the Copy Raikuan Kingdom which does not yet exist! Most of all, pink shall show is the True Path to Doom and Despair, and with pink at my side, I shall rule the world! Nyu ha ha! Ha ha!" Suddenly, Nemisis was very scared, for her mistress was rambling on about a secondary colour that didn't even look very good on her.

"So…. Why do we need hippos?" The lizard servant asked, hoping to draw the Evil Queen of Annoyance's attention away from the colour pink. Copy Raikua blinked blandly, as if she had been previously staring at a very bright light, and her answer was very calm.

"Hippos are awesome, thank you very much, and only exist for dramatic effect."

Quite frankly, the whole situation was quite odd. In front was a bawling, green baby, closely followed by a girl in a tacky outfit and an evil-looking farmgirl who was currently levitating the aforesaid bawling, green baby in an attempt to make him cease his crying. Off to the side was an effeminate boy in what might as well be a skirt who currently had an amnesiac-type personality, and in the background was a purple Wolfos who was currently gazing at the strange gathering of people and sweat-dropping.

"Zoh my gawsh! He's, like, so totally cute!" Malon exclaimed, slipping into a brief lapse of weirdness and poking Ganondorf's belly.

"Let's name him Snuggle-Bear!" Raikua cried, and likewise poked the King of Evil. The King of Evil gasped in horror at the new name bestowed on him.

"What's a Snuggle-Bear?" Amnesia!Link asked, staring blankly with a blank stare, for he was no longer just Link; he was Amnesia!Link, and thus had to act the part.

"…Erm…A bear that…snuggles…." Malon said. Raikua blinked and looked generally surprised.

"I always thought that a Snuggle Bear was an undead necromantic entity that used its leet powers of teleportation to capture unsuspecting cows and perform evil rites on them using only a trombone and a pair of rocker-powered scissors, and thus destroy the known world, except for the non-existent Pokemon, because Snuggle Bears _like_ non-existent Pokemon, because they're weird like that. That's right, isn't it?"

"… I'm afraid you lost me after the first word. Come again?" Malon said, as if she had heard exactly what Raikua just said and wanted to see if she had just made that definition off the top of her head. Which, of course, she had, but that's a different story. Sort of.

"Erm…. spoo?" Before Malon could answer the vague answer that Raikua gave, a Big Important Plot Point came about!

The drawbridge drew and out raced a very pink hippopotamus. Upon it was the ever-scary, metal-clad Impa, and Zelda, who was dressed as a certain character from a certain anime that a certain author, namely Raikua, certainly liked.

"Invited by the new age, I am the gorgeous Sailor Wisdom, appearing gracefully. In the name of Nayru, I bid you to take this Ocarina and run!" The Princess cried triumphantly for some reason, and threw a shiny, blue object to Link. Unfortunately, her aim was extremely off, due to lack of ever having to actually throw things before –she had several servants whose sole purpose was to throw things dramatically when she was in A Foul Mood- and thus, it flew right over Link's head, twapped against the city walls, and plummeted into the murky murk.

"Oops! Meh bad!" Was all the Princess said, as she scurried away on her horse. Far away, a certain Voice in the Distance sweatdropped. How can a Voice Sweatdrop? It's not known, but it did it anyway.

Suddenly, a horse raced out, and upon it was a red-haired girl. However, she was of no relevance to this story, and thus the Quartet ignored her. Suddenly, another red-haired girl appeared, sitting on a chair that six rather fetchingly pretty bishouen were holding up, with the help of a rather unpretty man disguised as a fetchingly pretty bishouen. This girl was Copy Raikua, The Evil Queen of Annoyance!

"Hey! Hey Link! I'm Copy Raikua, Evil Queen of Annoyance!" She cried evilly, for she was a villain, and thus did pretty much everything evilly. Then, with Raikua doing a panic dance in the background, she proved her utter evilness by shooting Link with a psychedelic blast of pure magical magic. It sent him hurtling into another dimension and back again, but didn't really do anything much other than that, because really, things of a psychedelic nature are usually clothing, and thus, not that very powerful when used as an attack. Or something. Naturally, Link was very confused and didn't quite know what was going on.

"What's going on!" Our hero cried, though he was largely ignored by the people with whom he traveled and Copy Raikua, who was spinning off into the nonexistent-sunset on her bish-drawn chair.

Hyrule Castle Town was in a panic that was unheard of ever since the day that King Zora beat the King of Hyrule in a game of foosball. The person with a habitual itch was itchless! The little girl who habitually chased her chicken was chaseless! The two annoying lovers who habitually murmured sickingly sweet phrases to one another were phraseless! And all along the marketplace, fat middle-aged women whispered gossip about the cause for Zelda's quick escape and where that little red-haired girl got all those pretty men. It was contrary to all that went on in Hyrule Town! It was pandemonium to the highest power!

A hush fell over the crowd as four figures waltzed into the city. One was a girl with flaming red hair, the likes of which they had seen on a girl only a few moments ago. One was another girl of small stature, the likes of which the girl they had seen only moments before possessed. The next was a green baby in a bunny costume, the likes of which they had not seen before, though carvings of bunnies may or may not have adorned the chair that the girl that they had seen only moments before had sat upon. The final figure was a boy with blazing blue eyes, vividly blonde hair, and what appeared to be a green tunic, but might has well have been a skirt, and they knew that in this boy the potential to become a bishouen was present, and the girl they had seen only moments before had several of the allusive bishouen in her company. Suddenly, a member of the crowd stated the somewhat obvious.

"Hey! That girl looks like that other girl! And that girl has red hair like that other girl! And that baby is dressed like a fluffy bunny! And that boy might become pretty in later years! Each part of them resembles something that the girl who was chasing Princess Zelda possessed. They must be part of the legions of the undead! Let's get them and their zombieness!"

Now, if there is one thing that the residents of Hyrule Castle Town greatly dislike, it is zombies. They once had an infestation of zombies after the 1969 Hyrule Series Championship of Foosball, and those zombies, with their mad brain-sucking skills, group dynamics, and elite business skills, well, those zombies managed to put all the businesses of Hyrule Castle Town out of business _and_ devour worrisome amounts of brains, which happens to be the main reason why Hyrule's population consists mostly of mindless idiots. Naturally, all the residents of the city didn't want another horde of zombies running around, stealing their jobs and taking their brains, and thus, they armed themselves with torches and pitchforks, and charged their way towards the bewildered quartet, all except one man who wondered just how the heck that other guy deduced that the strange people were zombies, when they lacked all the attributes that normally come with the undead dead.

Naturally, our green-tunicèd hero was quite intimidated by the sight of all those sharp, pointy objects and blazing torches of very hot fire. It made him scared a bit, since those objects where very sharp, but those torches! They blazed with the righteous fury of a thousand blazing fireflies! They shone brighter than the sun that shined in the sky! They struck enlightenment into his heart and then the mediocre happened! Link recovered his memory!

However, that did nothing to subdue the flock of crazed townspeople, and thus, they continued advancing upon the strange group of "zombies" with maniacal gleams in their eyes. The Quartet shivered in their boots and/or booties and looked meek and mild, until Malon, the smart one, got an idea into her head. Like a stately general leading his troops of stalwart soldiers into a battle against and unbeatable and unstoppable Borg army, Malon tossed her hair dramatically and psychic-ed those torches and pitchforks and spun them dramatically in the air, causing flames and metal fragments to fall dramatically out of the sky. It was an impressive show really, and Raikua found herself looking out at the atmosphere and remembering the time she shot a bottle rocket at her muse.

Unfortunately, it did absolutely nothing to subdue the angry mob.

Finding themselves in a jam, the group of four people –since a certain muse has told me that I must refrain from using the word Quartet for the rest of this chapter- did the only thing that was logical in an illogical world full of misery and despair; they sank to the ground in defeat, hugged like frightened children, and remembered the good old days, which weren't all that great really, but sure beat remembering the bad old days. Fortunately, they didn't have to be moderately frightened for long.

She was a Wolfos of many talents, which included the ability to disappear in flashes of darkness, become Voices in the Distance, and subdue small, annoying people, commonly called infants. The beauty of her luxuriant fur, which was said to be hued like both a perfect amethyst and purest ebony- was becoming a legend among her semi-canine brethren and the envy of every she-Wolfos. Her hypnotic scarlet stare was captivating, and her strength was extraordinary. Even the red bow she donned upon her neck enthralled her fellow Wolfos.

It was only natural that the townspeople thought that Neko the Wolfos was a dangerous beast when she rather ungracefully appeared in a flash of darkness in the City, and thus they diverted their short attention spans from the "zombies" to the Wolfos.

As the townspeople stared at the mighty beast, they felt an awe they had never felt before. As Neko stared at the townspeople, she wondered vaguely why they smelled so foul.

Raikua gazed at the scene, wondering why the townspeople's attention spans were so short. If _she_ had been attacked by a group of zombies, she sure wouldn't forget about them so easily, unless a dark and dramatic vampire leap onto the scene and decimated the zombies into sweet oblivion, and then swept her off her feet, and-

"Come _on_ Raikua, we're going!" Malon growled, and dragged the still daydreaming girl towards the Temple of Time, with the others in her wake.

"It's so….Templey…" Link commented, gazing around in wonder at the grand Temple of Time. Ganondorf made an indistinct squeak that sounded vaguely like "Of course, it's a temple."

"I suppose we should deposit the stone upon the altar." Malon said, pointed at a great stone altar with the words _Place Shiny Stones Here_ inscribed upon it.

"Raikua thinks that makes sense, but would also like to warn you that a cross-dimensional fairy is going to grab you and take you to the future in roughly ten seconds, if my calculations are correct." Raikua said, and then checked her watch, which did not exist until three seconds before. "Five…Four…Three…Two…One!"

And with that, Malon fell into a hole in the space-time continuum caused by a cross-dimensional fairy who was working for a small group of travelers in the near-future. Link stared mutely in shock, though Ganondorf merely laughed a cute version of his evil laugh, since he wasn't particularly fond of Malon in the first place.

"Dude!" Link cried, breaking in to a new personality. "Like, how did you, like do that? That was like, totally wicked! It's like you can see the future, dude!"

"Magical Authoring Powers. All Fanfiction writers have them, and most Original Fiction writers do too. I'm not so sure about Screenplay writers, but whatever." Raikua stated, and pointed towards the Altar. The three Spiritual Stones, or Shiny Stones, as The Authoress called them, flew to the Altar and the room began to glow with a strange neon radianceness.

"Now you have to play the Ocarina of Time so we can transverse time, okays?" She said, and suddenly her eyes darkened, "Wait, wait, wait. You never got the Ocarina of Time because Zelda couldn't aim to save her life and we were too distracted by the evilly Evil Queen of Annoyance to get it, so-" Suddenly, the Ocarina of Time randomly dropped out of the sky, as if it had fell through a hole in the space-time continuum. "Well, _that_ was convenient"

Link grabbed the little blue instrument as if it were a football and raced to the Great Stone Altar as if he were a football player. Suddenly, he remembered something!

"Like, how do you play this thing?" He said, as he stared incredulously at the small ocarina. He poked it, but that had no effect.

"Erm….I think you…Meh, I dunno…" Raikua said, and suddenly had an idea! "Maybe if you throw it, it'll make music!" Ganondorf sweatdropped, and then sweatdropped even more when Link actually attempted the feat.

"And it….works! Like, yay!" The diminutive Authoress cried, as beautiful music pervaded the Temple. Ganondorf squeaked something along the lines of," That actually works!"

The Great Big Door-Thingy behind the Great Stone Altar exploded, and the strange group consisting of three people entered the room. The room that they entered contained a large circle, and in the middle of this large circle, surrounded by strange symbols, was a sword stuck in a stone, with a shiny blue staff and a whip made of evil black metal. These were the legendary Weapons of Legend: The Master Sword, the legendary Blade of Evil's Bane, The Mistress Staff, the legendary weapon that was used by the most devout fangirl ever, and the Whip of Doom, the legendary weapon that brought Doom wherever it went, and not just doom, it brought Doom with a capital D!

"Well…Let's do the time warp!" Raikua cried, and her and Link waltzed over to their appropriate weapons, with little Ganondorf crawling close behind. They grabbed the weapons and a ring of blue, orange, and green surrounded them

With the words of Raikua still ringing in their ears, they –The Hero of Time, The Authoress, and the King of Evil- embarked on a journey to the future, a journey that would lead them into treacherous forests, into Hyrulian Mini-Marts, and even into Kitchen Stadiums. They embarked on this journey with mostly good intentions, but they did not see the Evil Queen of Annoyance, Copy Raikua, slip past them into the ring of light, and they unwittingly took her to the future as well.

The future is a strange place, but it's about to meet three people even stranger.

---A/N It's been a long time, but Raikua's back. She doesn't have much to say, but she _would_ like to note that at twelve pages on Word, this is the longest chapter that she has ever written. Also, she would also like to thank the nice person who e-mailed her. She doesn't quite know what story he was talking about, but he did say that one of her stories was great, and for that he gets a cookie. Anyway, in the next chapter, Link, Raikua, and Ganondorf must venture into the future! But who is this strange person that calls himself Sheik? And what exactly is the Sage of Doom? And what happened to Rauru? The next chapter may hold the answers to these mysteries, and may, in fact, create many more…---


	7. Dangerously Weird Sages!

The Legend of Zelda: The Attack of Copy Raikua

Doom, Despair! Dangerously Weird Sages!

* * *

Seven years had gone by since the day since those three people had appeared in the domain of Lord Rauru, the Sage of Light. Seven whole years. Not seven days, not seven weeks, not even seven months, but seven years. Those people had mysteriously appeared in his home in the Temple of Time, encased in shiny crystal, and they just would not get out. Sure, they _were_ the legendary, prophesized heroes that would bring love and justice back to the land, but that wasn't any excuse for cluttering up his living room.

Another thing that bothered Lord Rauru was the oddball Sage of Doom. Quite a few decades ago, in fact a million or so years ago, in a manner similar to the crystal-bound trio, this Sage –Rauru eternally wondered why the Goddesses would let such a bothersome person handle their most important business: he thought Doom was more troublesome than a runaway sorcerer or a rogue accountant- had suddenly fell out of the sky encased in a sheaf of purest crimson ruby. However, this person soon shed his crystalline coating, and revealed who he truly was. And who was he? An utter annoyance in the form of a four foot tall, angsty, forever teenaged elf-thing that sat on his couch all day and ate his microwave dinners.

"Hey, Ru!" Doom cried, flipping through television channels with all the speed of a rampaging flock of seagulls –Hyrule might not have electricity, but that didn't mean the Temple of Time couldn't have a TV- with a mindless glaze in his doomful eyes. Rauru turned to him, already miffed at his angstful qualities that were angstful for no good reason.

"Hello, Sage of Doom." Rauru said in a dead monotone. This was the best way to speak to his tragically annoying "friend", for if Rauru ever acted even slightly irritated at the miniscule Sage, then Doom would erupt in tears. _Angstful_ tears, mind you, for they were tears of blood or at very least something like that. Doom was the Sage of Doom and couldn't ever be anything but doomful, and tragic, and catastrophic, and mournful, and angstful, and heartbreaking, and… stuff… Of course, he was none of these things if one dared to give him even the slightest compliment. In the unlikely event that praise managed to reach the mournful ears of dear Doom, then he would suddenly become bright, cheery, overly affectionate, obsessive, and just plain _scary_. Rauru was sure that his mother must have been a rabid, hormonal fangirl. A Legolas fangirl, to be exact, or perhaps a Harry Potter one.

"Hello, my dear Sage of Light." Doom said in a voice that was contradictionally both cheerful and depressing. "How was your day? My day was _most_ dreadful, I had to spread misery and despair all the way to Termina and then I had to file a report on the side effects of large quantities of doom on common townspeople, but then I remembered I didn't write it yet, so I had to write it and I got a paper cut and it bled and I had to go to the infirmary to get a bandage but they were out so I had to walk all the way to the shop on the corner and the cashier charged me twice and I got into a squabble with him and by the time I got back, the deadline for my report was passed and the boss-ladies were very angry and said they'd reincarnate me as a cancerous squirrel if I didn't start getting my act together and those fairies that used to work for the Great Deku Tree laughed at me and I had a good cry over that and then I had to spread some more misery and despair and that got me depressed for a little while, but I played a nice round of badminton and that made everything all better." The little Sage said in one quick breath, turning a remarkable shade of blue from lack of oxygen.

"That's…erm….neat, Doom. Will you go home now?" Rauru asked, mustering all the patience he could muster, which wasn't really very much. However, he only realized too late what his words did to Doom. The tiny sage's eyes suddenly got very large, and his bottom lip trembled. All was silent as a tennis match and then suddenly, _it_ happened. Yes, _it_, the certain thing that Rauru dreaded, and the certain thing that happened almost everyday. _It._ But what is this _it, _you may ask_? It_ is what catastrophic Doom did when he sensed that someone didn't like him, and since nobody could stand him, let alone like him, _it_ happened quite often. Rauru inadvertently caused _it_ to happen. Doom zoomed into a full-on angst session that would put even the most angsty teenager to shame with its sheer forlornness, doomfulness, and depressingfulness, which is, according to a certain muse that wishes not to be named, not a real word at all.

"Homahgawdesses, even you wish for me to depart from this sorrowful mortal coil!" Doom lamented, a cascade of crimson tears –and at this strange sight Rauru mentally sweatdropped, wondering just how Doom turned his tears into such an angstful colour, and then finding it best not to ask- streaming down his pale cheeks. "That's okay, for I am used to such treatment. Nobody favors this lonely Sage, for wherever he goes, misfortune is sure to follow. I brought the sickness of pestilence over Labrynna, silent death to Termina, the hunger of famine to Holodrum, and chaotic war to our dear Hyrule, and all on the orders of the Golden Goddesses themselves. It was much against my will, but oh! How the others hate me for it! I see how they look at me with hatred and fear in their eyes. Alas, I can stand the hatred, but I never wished to be feared! It tears apart my blackened, disillusioned heart to be an object of abject horror. But you…You are the Sage of Light, a symbol of all that is good in the world. You know_ nothing_ about the torment I go through everyday. You've never had to face the eternal torture I must endure. Oh, how I envy you!" Doom cried and flung his arms around Rauru's neck in a suffocatingly tight embrace, tears streaming down his face like two great, red waterfalls of despair. Rauru hoped that they wouldn't stain his fancy ceremonial robes; he had just gotten them that morning to wear for the heroes' awakening, and he didn't want them to be blotched like all his other robes from Doom's odd tears.

"Erm, Doom." Rauru began carefully, squirming under the Sage's tight grasp. "I don't want you to die, and the others are just all jealous of your mad smiting skills and the fact that they're stuck in an office all day while you occasionally get out and wreck havoc on the land. And trust me, you really don't need to envy me. I mean, I'm three billion years old, washed up, burned out, and all the Goddesses let me do is watch TV, cook occasionally, and guard three annoying people destined to save the world, when I really know they're probably going to destroy it with their sheer stupidity and capacity for annoyance. At least you get to have an interesting job, so you should stop crying, and please let me go, okay Doom? You're staining my robes, and I have to look presentable for when those three," And at that he gestured at the three odd heroes locked in crystal above his mantle. "Awake from their seven year slumber. So, why don't you go to your room and listen to your Cure albums until all the tears are worked out of your system."

Alas for the poor Sage of Light, Rauru forgot that while scorn caused Doom to cry like a high school girl breaking up with a sleazy boyfriend for the very first time, praise turned him into a squealing fanboy. That was perhaps worse.

"You think I have _mad skills!_ Homahgawdesses, nobody's ever told me that before! Oh wow! Oh wow, wow, wow! This is great! I've never felt so happy in my life! You're the nicest person I've ever met! They should build a temple to you or something! Do you even _have_ a temple? I've always wondered that. I mean, all the other sages have a temple, even _I _have a temple, though it isn't as uber-cool as yours would be! I bet your temple would be all bright and shiny, with _light bulbs _in it. I _adore_ light bulbs! They're almost as cool as you, and that's a lot! You're the best thing ever, Ru!" Doom squealed, and he hugged poor Rauru even tighter, till the elder was certain that he'd explode. Or maybe implode. Implosions were a lot more interesting, in Rauru's most sagely opinion. He was certain that he'd explode or implode, and he rather hoped he would implode.

"Do-o-om," Rauru wheezed asthmatically, his face turning an interesting shade of red not unlike that of a fire hydrant. "Let me go. You're….killing me."

"Honoes!" The tiny sage cried in a horrified manner, and let go of Rauru. "I don't want to kill my idol! You're too cool to die! I've bet I've already killed you! I'm a murderer again! Life is terrible!" Rauru's right eye twitched irritably.

"Shut up. I'm not dead yet." He grunted, the normal colour returning to his wise face. Alas, Doom only heard two words of that, which you can probably guess. They start with 'shu' and end with 'tup.'

"Oh, oh. I'm see, and sorry I am. I…I'll go now. Wouldn't want to bother you with my silly ramblings." He whispered, distinctly coloured tears already rolling down his mournful face. "Can I ever atone for my wrongdoings? I'm too menial to be in your grand presence. Oh…oh…."

Rauru mentally sighed. This was going to be a_ very_ long day.

* * *

Link awoke, saw where he was at, and then abruptly fainted again. After a few moments, he opened one sapphire eye ever so slightly, and was met with the sight of a most garish blue, a hue only seen in one's nightmares and perhaps on a tackily painted house in the suburbs. It hurt his brain just to look at the colour.

'This is an abnormally tacky colour and anyone who thinks it is attractive must be colorblind to the fifth-degree. Furthermore, it hurts my brain and makes me want to kill whoever created such a monstrous hue.' He thought, and mentally sniffed in disdain of the utter blueness.

He slowly opened the other eye ever so slowly, letting his poor vision get used to the garish blue.

'Why, I appear to be locked in a crystal! How strange is that? The last thing I remember is escaping from rabid villagers and entering the Temple of Time. After that, I pulled a moderately glittery sword out from the rock and apparently warped through time. I really would like to get out of this gem.'

Meanwhile, another person was busy getting herself reawakened, and that person was not Ganondorf. Two eyes blinked open, taking in the sight of a rather nice looking shade that reminded her of her mother's apple pie.

'Apple pie is _not_ blue.' She thought. 'And mum's never even made apple pie before, or even raspberry. Raspberries are nice, unlike those nasty little green pickles we have on New Years that I always eat, even if I hate them and want to throw them against the wall or at least feed to the dog that I do not have. New Years is great, 'cause I get to stare mindlessly at a television screen for several hours while waiting for a ball to fall out of the sky for no apparent reason. This one time, I stayed up past midnight eating apple pie and….maybe Mum _does _make apple pie. It's still not remotely blue though. Hum. Interesting.'

Ganondorf, the little King of Evil, was not nearly so complacent as the Authoress, who was busy contemplating the eternal mysteries of apple pie. In fact, he felt very much like screaming and kicking random things, especially ones that looked similar to Copy Kaffe, and perhaps even Raikua, just because she grated on his nerves like cheese on a grater.

'IhateyouhateyouhateyouCopyKaffe!Iwishathousandterriblehorriblethingsonyou! Ihopeyoushrivelupanddie! Diediediedie!'

With that thought ringing merrily in his head like the dulcet sounds of a heavy metal song, Ganondorf kicked his crystal casing out of sheer anger, and grimaced as pain coursed up his leg.

'Curse this puny child body!' Ganondorf thought angrily. 'My beautiful, regular, handsome self wouldn't hurt like this! Curses!'

And Ganondorf, always ready to make the same mistake twice, kicked the crystal again, and subsequence broke his wee little leg. Naturally, he screamed like Xena, and the crystal shattered from the sheer highpitchness –which for our purposes is, in fact, a word- of his yelp.

'Well, that was mildly entertaining,' thought Link, as he stumbled blindly into the waiting world.

'Indeed,' Raikua thought in reply. 'Tis as entertaining as the personal life of carrots.'

'Oh, bah!' Link scoffed, feeling mightily superior to the little Authoress. 'Carrots do not _have_ lives. They are merely vegetables that must be eaten in order to gain important nutrients to sustain one's body.'

'That you may think, but I swear on the moons of Endor Five that carrots have lives, and very fruitful ones at that.'

'Ah, vegetableful lives, you mean. Carrots are not fruits.' Link thought.

'True, true, but it's a figure of speech, much like the saying "a flood of animals" or "a murder of crows" or something of that nature. I didn't mean it quite as literarily as you took it.' Raikua thought brightly, thinking that she sounded quite like an English teacher she once had whose class she had nearly failed.

'Yes then, I….Wait…How can you hear my thoughts?' Link questioned, confusion filling his hefty mind.

'Oh, dunno the steps exactly, but it's sort of like that one movie with the British dude with the bad teeth in which due to our freezing for several years, we are temporarily forced to speak whatever we are thinking, thus creating some interesting scenarios that aren't so very interesting. So, we're not thinking; rather, we are, in fact, saying.'

"Oh," Link said thoughtfully, chewing on the end of his hat. "That's mildly interesting."

"Yuppers!" Raikua said brightly. "But not nearly so interesting as Ganondorf, who is currently writhing around on the floor and screaming like a younger, more annoying version of Xena."

"I forgot about him. Are you quite all right, young Ganondorf?" Link ask, staring concernedly at the man-child who was busy being caught in the twisted agony of sheer pain and humiliation.

"GAH!" The King of Evil screamed, clutching his broken leg to his chest and whimpering as he did so. "It's broken! By Din, it's broken! Gah! Pain! The goddesses hate me!"

"Aw, they don't hate you, my tasty little radish," Raikua said, smiling a very disturbing smile that was full of disturbingly disturbing good cheer. "They just want you to die a painful, humiliating death. Sort of how I want Goku and Inuyasha to die, but with less pitchforks and lawnmowers."

"Indeed? You wish for the death of the pretty anime-men Goku and Inuyasha?" Link inquired.

"Doesn't everyone?" Raikua said, much to the horror of fangirls everywhere, many of which fainted the very moment the Authoress dared to utter those words. "I mean, they're as overrated as, well, something that is overrated and thrice times more annoying than broken crosswalk signs, and still legions of otaku would gladly sell their first-born child just to have-Hey! How in _chee_ do you know about anime? You people don't even have electricity or television or tofu!"

"Oh, I don't really recall, nor do I know the true meaning of the word. It just felt right to use that term there."

"Oh, okays then! My little cucumber, come here!" Raikua cried, and picked up Ganondorf by his broken leg, never minding the fact that he was whimpering, sniveling, crying, and doing other things that were considered most unbefitting for a King of Evil. "Why do you cry so? You sound like a whimpering babelfish or perhaps an injured rhinocerphant."

"My leg! You're killing my leg!" Ganondorf sobbed, the aforementioned limb dangling rather lifelessly, like cold pasta or perhaps a month-old lime Jello mold someone made and left in the refrigerator to contemplate its lonely gelatin existence.

"Oh! Are you perhaps hungry, little cabbage? Is my darling rutabaga in need of abundant amounts of stir-fried beef?"

"Din! Have mercy! GAH!"

"Or," Raikua exclaimed and shook the Gerudo erratically, causing a rather unpleasant pain to shoot up his leg faster than an Olympic runner on steroids. "Are you in want of drink? We can likely find a bottle of Lon Lon Milk about. Surely that would quench your thirst!"

Ganondorf mewled pitifully.

"Not thirsty then? Little artichoke, are you maybe tired? We've just woken up from a seven year sleep, but a few more minutes wouldn't kill Hyrule."

"Why…Why do you torment me so, little angel of suffering?"

"Are you hallucinating now? Raikua finds that she sees no angel, least of all an angel of sufferingness."

"Good Raikua, you are quite the imbecile!" Link exclaimed. "Surely you see that he is referring to you!"

"What?" said the smallish Authoress, shaking the little King of Evil for a brief second, though apparently a rather agonizing one as he shuddered convulsively. "I am most confused. What have I done to make my darling turnip suffer?"

"Well to start with, you're holding him by an obviously broken leg, and have been shaking the poor boy at random intervals. Furthermore, you've been calling him by the names of various vegetables. To go further, you've acted the part of the annoying otaku and frankly, nobody really likes rabid fangirls. As well, he's been forced to wear glittery dresses and makeup, and has been transformed into a baby, though it is evident that he is now a small child of seven or eight. Also, your nearly-exact evil clone has taken his rightful place as Evil Ruler of Hyrule, and has generally caused a lot of unnecessary trouble, without which we would be far better off, and since you apparently let her in Hyrule in a bout of nonsense, you're the cause of all of his problems, except, of course, his love problems, which are, all in all, his own fault, and we should leave _that_ to the fanboys to discuss."

"Sooooo….What you're saying is that I'm the cause of most, but not all, of dear Ganny's problems?" Raikua questioned, dropping the aforesaid King of Evil to the cold, hard ground, where he curled up into a little ball and promptly died. However, as a Ganondorf-less story would be rather uninteresting, not to mention painful, a magic, cross-dimensional fairy, who just had to be passing by the area when she decided to stop for a bag of chips and maybe some kippers, brought him back to life and patched up his leg, mainly because she had nothing better to do, and also because the fate of the world depended on it, though she really didn't care about fate and other such nonsense and only wanted to aforementioned bag of chips and possibly kippers.

"Yes, that sums it up nicely." Link said, looking in mild puzzlement at the young King, who had just come back to life and didn't really care.

"Yay for misery and despair!" Raikua cried chipperly. "And a double yay for doom!"

"Did someone mention me?" A morose voice sighed from somewhere in the shadows. Link and Raikua spun around dramatically –it should be noted that Ganondorf didn't bother spinning around, since he was having a mighty fine time laying facedown on the floor and sobbing hopelessly to himself- and spotted a rather depressed looking sage staring glumly at them.

He was about four-feet tall, with floofy blonde hair that rather reminded Raikua of a certain pretty man with scissors for hands, pasty skin, a cheerful winter sweater worn over dainty tights, and dull red eyes rimmed with plenty of clumpy mascara and a good amount of cheery eyeshadow, and Raikua was suddenly certain that this was surely the second-most miserable being in the universe. The first-most miserable being in the universe has no real bearing on this tale, and thus shall be promptly ignored and left to rust.

"Erm…Who are you?" Link asked, gaping in wonder at the sheer angstfulness of this depressing apparition.

"As if you really want to know." The short person said, sniffing in a rather forlorn matter, as if he had just smelled something rather unpleasant and was about to burst into tears due to the complete unpleasantness of the aforesaid smell.

"Actually, I'd rather like to know who you are. I think we've met before, maybe at summer camp." Raikua said. "Do you happen to have a cousin named Marvin?"

"Yah." The doomful person whispered, wondering just how this oddly odd person knew of his cousin.

"Thought so! I'm Raikua and the guy in the green miniskirt is Link. Ganondorf is currently lolling on the floor, but he's not that important anymore, since I can't glomp him without causing massive bodily harm. And you are?"  
"Doom." The person, whose name was apparently Doom, said hesitantly. "You probably don't like me much, do you? I can tell. Nobody likes me, not even the Goddesses."

"You mustn't be sad." Link said. "I'm sure that underneath your depressingly annoying exterior lays a lovable soul that everyone likes, or at very least, a lovable soul that everyone pretends to like just so he won't angst and thus put a damper on everybody's day." Doom's previously dull eyes lit up spastically with joy, and turned a rather fetching shade of purple, though nobody really cared.

"Really? You mean it? That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me! Wow! Oh wow wow wow! WOW! I _like_ you! You're the greatest thing since jellied toast! You should have a temple or something!"

Link was about to reply to this odd outburst when three-hundred-and-fifty pounds of Sage and fifty pounds of chinchilla robes studded with rhinestones, stolen from the wardrobe of the great Liberachi himself, came hurtling into him, ranting about why one should not complement the Sage of Doom and what he was going to do if he ever caught Link ever even coming _near_ the little Sage again, which involved chains and vast amounts of hydrochloric acid.

"I'm mean, really! You can't just go around complementing Doom! Do you know what I have to go through every time someone is stupid enough to do that! Total fanboyness, and I _hate_ fanboys with every fiber in my dreadfully immortal body. Seriously! I hate them! Why did you feel the need to do that anyway and inconvenience me even more? Who do you think you are anyway? The Hero of Time?"

"Actually," Link gasped –for you see, it is hard to do anything but gasp when one is being throttled by an exceptionally large man, and the strange ranter had decided to take it upon himself to throttle our hero. "I was operating under the impression that I am, in fact, the Hero of Time."

At that statement, the ranting Sage of Light gasped, clearly embarrassed, if the forest red color of his face was anything to judge by, and immediately stopped ranting and throttling. "Oh, eh…I wasn't expecting you to awaken for at least another hour. Erm, so much for a grand awakening then…Ah, I'm Rauru, Sage of Light, and this is my living room, which doubles as the Chamber of the Sages for some reason. Eh, anyway, you basically have to save the world because Copy Raikua slipped passed you when you transversed time and did some really complicated things to the space-time continuum that I don't care to explain because time-travel hurts my head. Yah, you, the pretty miniskirted man-boy," At this Link looked up indignantly, not because he had just been accused of wearing the horrendous clothing item that is commonly called a miniskirt, but because he had been called pretty. He shot Rauru a miffed look that generally went unnoticed. "You're the Hero of Time, so you have to swing your sword around at unimportant things and just look generally attractive. You, annoying femme-beast!"

"Chee!" cried Raikua, oblivious to the fact that on Hyrule this was an insult of the most notorious kind, though everyone else in the room was oblivious to that little factoid as well.

"Yeah, whatever that means, wacko. You're the Heroine of Insanity, so you get to run around waving your fangirl-staff-thingy-thing at things and just being a general nuisance."

"Heroine? Heroin? So, I'm an illegal drug now? Neat!"

"Eh, sure, whatever floats your boat. And Ganondorf, you're the- Wait, where's Ganondorf?" Rauru asked, frantically searching the immediate vicinity for the little green man-boy-thing. "You haven't lost him, have you?"

"Oh, wouldn't that be simply _dreadful_?" Doom exclaimed girlishly, in a very bad southern accent that made Raikua and company die a little on the inside.

"Dreadful?" A world weary, prepubescent voice moaned. The owner of this voice was having a jolly time gathering dust and mold in a particularly gloomy spot in Rauru's tastefully decorated house. "You hardly know the meaning of the word, let alone whether or not me getting lost would constitute as dreadful. I, on the other hand, know the meaning of the word dreadful, and several other synonyms of it as well, all of which seem to apply to me."

"Bad day?" Doom asked concernedly.

"You have no idea." Ganondorf monotoned. At that moment, Doom decided that he rather liked the downcast King of Evil, and hugged him violently, squishing several of his vital organs in the process and even some of the not-so-vital ones, like his appendix and spleen. Link and Raikua both squealed like deranged little piglets, though for entirely different reasons.

"I have bad days all the time, my dear Ganondorf. In fact, life is like one giant bad day for me. Sometimes it's just mediocre, other times it's unbearable, and it's oddly spoonerific at times, but mostly it's just bad."

"Life?" Ganondorf laughed, though it was a rather bleary laugh. "_Life_? Don't talk to me about life. My life is one series of unpleasant events. Your life has nothing on mine."

"Let's be friends, my lovely Ganondorf, and run away to a land of eternal bliss, where the rivers run with gold and the streets are made of tasty fish, far away from the constant disappointment and mediocrity of real life. We'll be happy there forever and ever" Doom sniffed doomfully, and thought wearily about the joys of a land with fish for streets.

"That's freaking weird, and stop with the man-hugglage please. It's disturbing me, and not in a good way."

"But you _need_ a hug. A big hug. I like hugs. They make life a little less awful." Doom protested. Raikua grinned, showing off fangs that certainly weren't there seven years ago, and muttered something about Ganondorf, short little manic-depressives, slasher movies, and chairs. The chairs had nothing to do with her other mutterings, though they most certainly were muttered.

Rauru watched this odd scene with a sigh on his lips, a glimmer in his eyes, and an ulcer in his stomach.

"Doom, you should stop molesting the Hero of Evil." He said simply, as if it were a thing that occurred on a regular basis. "Why don't you go to the Dollar Store and get me some rapping paper. Not _wrapping_ paper, mind you, I want some genuine paper that can bust a rift, or whatever you annoying people call it nowadays. Off now Doom, and perhaps I'll tape Jerry Springer for you. I heard he has a guy today who married his ex-sister's brother-in-law's nephew's pet dog, or something like that."

"Really!" Doom gasped, his face red with a slight maniacal glee that was just bordering on complete and total madness. "I shall get you this bizarre paper that can rap, and then we shall watch the show that is my one true obsession, the show that features people who are somehow more messed up in the head than me. Cheerio!"

Rauru waited until the mournful manic was well out of earshot, and then growled slightly under his breath, sounding quite like an agitated old man who spends his days watching television, fending of cute little psychopaths, waiting for the end of the world, and counting down the days till the three heroes would awaken and get out of his house because they clashed with his loveseat, which, in fact, he was. "My Goddesses, I detest that boy. I hope someday to see his face on a milk carton."

"Well now, you're quite the caring gentleman who is concerned with the welfare of his young ward, who will probably grow up to be an asylum inmate or even worse: a postal worker." Link said, hoping that his elite sarcasm and biting wit would force Rauru into becoming a fine distinguished member or urban society, or something along those lines. However, Rauru only gave him a stony glare that sent icy shivers up some random person's spine.

"You haven't had to live with him for the last three thousand, four hundred, and thirty-three years. It gets depressing." Rauru said, his eyes flashing a brilliant shade of parchment yellow for no apparent reason, other than that it was rather cool looking.

"I've had to live with myself for thirty-three years. That's far more depressing." Ganondorf said, managing to pull himself up with a tremendous effort to his spindly legs.

"I like Doom, Mister-Sage-of-Light-Who-Is-More-or-Less-Completely-Useless. He reminds me of what would happen if Robert Smith and a Barbie somehow managed to reproduce together." Raikua said, and began to wonder if perhaps the little Sage of Doom was the offspring of her favourite singer and a plastic doll that was certainly not one of her most favourite things. She quickly decided that particular pairing was rather disturbing and made her brain hurt.

"Never mind, Mr.-Useless-Sage, that particular pairing makes my brain hurt, and raises a whole lot of questions with disturbing answers."

"Eh, yah, anyway…" The Sage of Light paused for a momentous moment, trying to remember what he had meant to say. "Anyway, I have to…err…Well, I meant to say something big and momentous here about your destinies, I planned it all out last year, but I can scarcely remember what I was going to say. It involved to word 'altruistic' though and lemons were involved somehow. Ah, would you like to go into the kitchen and discuss your destinies over a nice cup of tea and some ice cream?"

* * *

There once was a little land called Hyrule, and it was ruled by a nice old King. Now, this Hyrule place was an alright place to raise a family and maybe grow some alfalfa, if you happened to be into that kind of thing, but all in all, it was rather mediocre. Besides farming and raising a family, which aren't all that interesting to begin with, unless you're into that sort of thing, there was very little to do in Hyrule for entertainment. One had the choice of staring at clouds, staring at insects, staring at the sun, staring at your neighbor's lovely wife, staring at cows, staring at the ground, and staring at the occasional oddball adventurer. All in all, there was a whole lot of staring being done. There was foosball too, but that's not so very important, and thus shall be ignored.

The King of this land was called King Norman Marko Delores Franklin Leopold Fleur-de-lis Harkinian the Third, and he was a rather nice guy, though frankly he was older than time and smelled like laundry detergent. Of course, there's one bad thing about nice but old Kings and it is this: they are inevitably stupid and apt to give their kingdoms to the evil villains. Now, King Norman had a daughter, a rather unsightly girl by the name of Super Eternal Sailor Princess Zelda Blue Triforce Cosmos Hylia Harkinian, who is often called Sailor Zelda, or even Princess Zelda, though she is apt to change her title at a mere whim. Now, this particular princess wasn't one of your ethereally beautiful damsels of ancient lore, nor was she one of those buff Amazon princesses one might run across in a poorly-written fantasy novel stuck between a plotless horror story and shamelessly awful romance novel in the $4.99 book bin in a seedy bookstore. Nay, she was a rather obtuse girl with funny teeth and wonky eyes, most likely from generations of crossbreeding, which happens often in royalty. To compensate for her dullness and poor looks, she decided to model herself after an anime character, though she didn't know what anime was exactly because Hyrule didn't have electricity or television for that matter. She poured pound after pound of glitter upon herself and rolled her hair into two pigtailed buns. It didn't help with her silliness, but it did make people pay less attention to her good-looks, or rather lack thereof. Now, she was an alright princess, but she was too much like her father for her own good, and thus was rather gullible and dim-witted, though she did have some pretty neat hallucinations/visions of the near future.

There was one person in Hyrule who was quite aware of the fact that both the king and the princess were silly and naïve, and while she was from a place nowhere near Hyrule, she thought she would be an excellent overlord. An _evil_ overlord, mind you. No one has ever heard of a good overlord, or even an average overlord. They simply don't exist. Now, this person, whose name happened to be Copy Raikua, knew just how she could conquer Hyrule in the name of All That Is Pink and Good, and thus, with the aid of her ever-faithful lizard-servant Nemisis and her cuddly pet bishie Copy Kafei, she gathered six rather pretty men and one not-so-pretty-man-who-happened-to-be-poorly-disguised-as-a-rather-pretty-man, and set out to conquer Hyrule, which was a lot more easy than it should be.

The first thing that Copy Raikua noticed was that there was a general lack of attractive young males. The second thing she realized that there were an awful lot of desperate, unattractive females who would probably sell their souls to get a good look at a man who wasn't hairy like a gorilla and happened to have a full set of teeth. It didn't take much time for the maniacally evil clone to figure out a plan. It was a wondrously, wondrously wicked little plan, and best of all, it involved pretty men. Just thinking about it made her feel a little more evil on the inside.

Copy Raikua searched and searched for the fairest, most feminine bishounen she could find. At first she thought that she could simply use some of the lovely gentlemen from her private collection of exquisite catboys, half demons, snarky potions masters, and MASH surgeons, but then she decided that she would like to keep those particular specimens away from possible harm caused by the amorous crowd of rampaging fangirls that was sure to happen when her plan succeeded. Also, she was particularly greedy that day, and didn't feel much like sharing. Thus, she transversed strange and possibly dangerous lands, and after a remarkably short period of time, she returned to Hyrule with seven bishounen in tow.

There is one thing that you must understand about fangirls and bishounen. The former always go crazy about the latter. It's just the way of the universe. There is another thing that you must understand as well. All the Hyrulian ladies were secretly fangirls at heart. Every single last one of them, even the scary old ladies and the androgynous green-clad thing that I shall only assume is, in fact, female. Now, when introduced to a bishounen, a fangirl does either one of two things. She may either turn into a mindless zombie intent on romancing the aforesaid pretty boy, or she may simply explode in a rather pretty explosion of fangirlish fangirlness. Fortunately for our evil overlord, the first thing usually happens.

Each and every love-struck girl wanted one of Copy's bishounen, and the evil clone promised each silly woman that she could have one for her very own if she would only help Copy Raikua ascend the throne. Naturally, all the Hyrulian fangirls all wanted one of the redhead's seven lovely men, and thus they all formed a rather large angry mob one day and stormed Hyrule Castle. There, the ardent throng did several rather unpleasant things that are probably best left unmentioned in this fanfic if the author of this story actually wants to keep her account, and it all ended in King Norman being banished to a rather unpleasant dimension filled with a multitude of neon monsters, Copy Raikua on the throne, and seven pretty men, though one of them was, in fact, a rather plain looking man wearing a long, shiny wig and a pair of fake wings, hiding in the Royal Pantries to escape the massive amount of women vying for their hand in marriage or worse. Of course, they didn't stay hidden for long, since Copy Raikua discovered that she rather liked the seven bishies and decided to keep them for herself, much to the disappointment of her fangirl mob, who then proceeded to attempt to tear the newly-enthroned overlord apart limb from limb. The clone then discovered that she didn't particularly like the sensation of being torn apart by an angry mob, and thus summoned up a rather large mass of kawaii boys in an effort to appease the crowd. They weren't bishounen by any means, but who can resist a cute little pink-haired catboy? Not I by any means, and certainly not the Hyrulian fangirls, who left Copy Raikua's castle very pleased with their new catboys, elves, and overly-adorable midgets.

Thus, Copy Raikua became the Evil Queen of Annoyance and Grand Overlord of Hyrule, and immediately set out to make Hyrule a lot more interesting. Interesting was one way to describe it, anyway. Blissfully psychotic was another term, and probably the better one at that.

* * *

" She's replaced all the horses in Hyrule with pink hippopotamuses, you know." Rauru said, sipping a sip of the fine pomegranate tea he had just made that morning. Link nodded thoughtfully, Ganondorf moped, and Raikua grinned for a reason known only to herself.

"Yes, that certainly is strange. She is either a complete madwoman or an extraordinary genius. The loss of the horses would mean a slow in communication, which would obviously mean something or another that would surely be very interesting and help her in her quest for evilness. She must have conquered the neighboring country of Termina to get their elusive pink hippopotamuses." Link said, stroking his nonexistent beard in a way that would have made him seem wise if he actually had a beard, but instead made him look a bit silly.

"Actually, she just made her second-in-command conjure the little suckers up for her, because hippopotamuses are cool. They're pink because it's the colour of true evil, and also because she likes that particular hue. Conquering Termina is too much work; they actually have _freewill _and _minds_ there, if you can believe it. Nothing at all like Hyrule; we're all mindless zombies here pretty much." Raikua said, nonchalantly mauling her ice cream with massive amounts of raging hot fudge and nice bits of cherries, then force-feeding the mixture to dear Ganondorf, who was unfortunately severely allergic to both fudge and cherries, and thus died again. Happily, that cross-dimensional fairy brought him back again, but Ganondorf was never quite the same after that. No, wait, actually he _was_ quite the same after that, and no one really cared, least of all Raikua.

"Oh please, my dear uneducated chum! How would you know the reasons behind Copy Raikua's hippo bombardment?" Link laughed, feeling very high and mighty and a bit smarmy as well. The little authoress stared dubiously at him.

"She's my almost-exact evil clone. I _know_ her. The only difference between her and I is that she happens to have flaming red hair and mine is quite blonde. We share the same mind, more or less." She said with a jovial grin that caused a man named Norman to suddenly pause and exclaim to the world around him that somewhere a nightmarish fangirl had just stated something obvious and most likely very important to the plot of a fanfiction that may or may not be this particular one.

"So, you're definitely evil then." Ganondorf said blandly, whilst fighting a sudden overwhelming urge to poke Link in the arm until the physically older, mentally infantile man screamed and bit his head off in a pique of rage. Side effect of the chibifying, you see. Apparently, small people with large heads have a natural tendency to annoy the living heck out of other people. Raikua looked at Ganondorf rather strangly for a moment.

"Wasn't it, you know, kind of obvious?" She said with a deploring look that pierced into the deep darkness of Ganondorf's soul and made a small hole in his heart that would eventually grown into a nice murmur.

"Erm, well, actually it was…I just wanted to make sure…You're not going to kill us now, are you?" The King of Evil said, cringing at the thought of what the little Authoress might be capable of.

"Naw, you're too short to die, and I'm just waiting for you to de-age so I can glomp you without being arrested by the authorities. Link, on the other hand, is the current love of my life –besides Willy Wonka of course, but what Willy doesn't know won't hurt him- and thus shall not be harmed by me, lest I mar his wicked smexyness. Everyone else, of course, is fair game."

Rauru suddenly sat up with a start, causing the entire table to fall to the floor a break in a million, billion little pieces. "I remember now! I was going to tell you that it's your destinies to free Hyrule from the clutches of the madwoman Copy Raikua! Then I was to tell you that you've aged seven years.

* * *

…_Meanwhile, at the Dollar Store…_

Doom merrily skipped down the cramped aisle, gleefully dodging panicked workers and fat, middle-aged women pushing ugly, squalling babies in rickety carts loaded with far too many greasy snacks and not enough exercise equipment. He was a Sage on a mission, and nothing was going to stop him! He was going to get that rapping paper, and cursed were all those who opposed him! He would make Rauru's day better by getting his surely much needed paper, but more importantly Doom was going to prove to his One True Love that he could do the impossible!

"Yeah!" Doom exclaimed manically, jumping up and down crazily in his sheer elation "I _am_ going to get that paper, and I _am_ going to impress my One True Love! Mortals in this fine establishment! You are witnessing history! I am Doom, the smiter of all humanity, and I shall get paper that can rap better than P. Diddly…Err, Pi Diddlims…Ah, that one dude…Anyway, I shall get that paper and prove myself worthy of the love of my One True Love! Yeah!" Several people inched slowly away from the jovial depressive, one of whom managed to become scarred for life and developed a phobia of both dollar stores and blonde people…which pretty much proved to be deadly as he worked in a dollar store and happened to be blonde.

"Rapping paper! Rapping paper! It is what I am questing for!" He screamed, and then proceeded to glomp a roll of Christmas-themed paper. Several employees stared nervously at the small madman and wondered just how to tell him they didn't carry paper that happened to rap, only paper that happened to be used for wrapping.

* * *

_In the Livingroom of the Sages_

Rauru scurried surprisingly fast for a man of his age and enormatude away to the Bathroom of the Sages and returned after a brief time with a giant mirror and a large can of psychedelic spray-on glitter. He placed the mirror in the middle of the room and then glittered the merry heck out of it till it shone in every colour of the rainbow and then some.

"Heroes," Rauru said in a deep, booming voice that shook the foundation of the space-time continuum itself, causing a whole lot of needless problems to occur that were certainly very interesting but mostly irrelevant. "Thou hast awakened from thy seventh year slumber. Thine countenances are changed. Look into thy Mirror of Rainbows, and observeth the passage of time."

"Your Old English is surprisingly awful, dear Rauru, considering the fact that you're most likely from that time period." Link said snoodily, and then quickly shut up when Rauru shot him a look that clearly screamed Shut-Up-Boy-Or-I'm-Going-To-Rip-Off-You're-Face-And-I'm-Going-To-Enjoy-It.

"You. Mirror. Now."

Link stared doubtfully at the mirror, taking in its delightfully tackiness, wondering whether it would kill him to go near it. Sure, it was just a mirror, but he was pretty sure noxious fumes were emitting from it, and he didn't quite fancy the idea of death by glitter vapors. After an agonizing split second of deliberation, the green-clad hero skipped daintily to the mirror, and peered into its deep purple depths.

Link happened to like what he saw. Whereas before he was short, now he was tall. When before he was pudgy, now he had muscles in all the right places, and even in some of the wrong places as well. His hair had lengthened to a proper bishouen length and shone like golden light. His eyes were blue, his skin was pale, his ears were pointed and pierced with little blue baubles, his clothes were green, his nose could smell, his sword was shiny, his hands were delicate and deadly, and his life was good.

"Well now, I can't say that I'm displeased." He said brightly, and swung his sword absentmindly at some passing pigeons. Let us not ask why there were pigeons in the middle of Rauru's living room; some questions are perhaps best left as gaping, unanswered plot holes. Rauru's eye twitched spasmodically.

"Don't kill my pigeons, you twit, they're an endangered species. The Master Sword, the very Blade of Evil's Bane, should only be used in self-defense. I mean really, did those birds offend you?"

"I apologize Rauru, Sage of Light." Link said seriously, and then tossed an unsuspecting Ganondorf at the mirror.

The King of Evil landed with a satisfying thunk on the glittered surface and skidded stylishly down the mirror. Upon reaching the plush floor, he curled up in a little ball. It was only after a few seconds, or at very least a short lifetime, that Ganondorf glared into the psychedelic glass.

'_My head is big_,' Ganondorf thought, his heart skipping a few beats. '_It's really, really big. Big. Elephantine big. Mondo-Sized. Freakishly large. Big head.'_ He poked at his reflection, but it didn't make his head shrink one bit. Then he noticed something else that really made his eye twitch. His head was as fuzzy as the bizarre mutant offspring of a rabbit and a cashmere sweater. _'The Goddesses really hate me.'_ He rubbed his head in a vain attempt to make his red fuzz grow back into long, luxurious locks, and it was only then that he noticed that he was still wearing the frilly yellow bunny suit. _'What I want to know is **why** the Goddesses hate me so much. What did I do? Is this because I stole ten dollars from that silly nun when I was eleven and still in primary school? They really, really hate me. I miss my dress. I wish Raikua would stop grinning like she can read my thoughts. It's annoying. It was a really nice dress. She should fear me. I'm the King of Evil, for Din's sake. I have eyes of fire and carry a whip. I am fearsome and mighty. I wonder if they make dresses in my size? Gah, I feel nutty as a fruitcake right now.'_

"Sometimes I feel like that too, my dearest Ganny, but then I remember there's starving midgets in the nonexistent fourth-world country Zimgarica that are probably more messed up than I," The Authoress said, rising up behind Ganondorf like a specter from beyond the grave. The King of Evil shuddered. He was no mood to bother with the evil fangirl, and thus he slunk away from the mirror, glaring all the way.

"I _can_ read your thoughts, you know, when the situation calls for it. I'm a blatant Mary-Sue in that aspect. You have a nice figure, but I think you should wear little, twirly skirts to accent your naturally feminine hips." Raikua remarked idly. Rauru muttered something along the lines of "Weirdoes, the whole lot of them, even the pretty little fairy boy."

The self-proclaimed Knower-of-All-Important-Things hopped in front of the mirror, spun in a semi-circle on one foot, peered into glittery depths of Rauru's mirror, saw that nothing important had changed, and smacked Ganondorf's wee little noggin with the Mistress Staff. Ignoring his pained little whimpers, she laughed, for you see, her staff was a magic one of the highest caliber and it caused Ganondorf's head to become a perfect map of the Ethiopian subway system for a brief instant, which happens to be nonexistent. Rauru glared a relatively unnoticed glare at Raikua. It was going to be a very, _very_ long day indeed.

"You know, you shouldn't really abuse the Mistress Staff, the legendary Mary-Sue Blighter itself. That thing was created by the most devout fangirl ever on the completion of the first ever Lord of the Rings fanfiction in the entire history of humanity. I bet _your_ kind must worship that thing." The Sage said disdainfully, picking up the King of Evil and transporting him out of harm's way. Of course, he forgot that Ganondorf simply did not like to be touched and that he carried a whip. It was not, mind you, an ordinary whip, for it had little metal bits on it that were certainly very interesting, but more importantly, it summoned Doom wherever it went, and not just ordinary doom, it summoned Doom with a capital D. I'm sure you know what that means by now. If not, you're just silly.

Ganondorf bit Rauru's sagely arm, causing the elder to drop him. Once he plummeted safely to the ground, the little green boy brandished the Whip of Doom and struck a fearsome pose reminiscent of a Power Ranger, which are, as my muse informs me, not fearsome one bit, and really rather silly. Rauru's previously twitchy eye widened in sheer panic.

"If you do what I think you are going to do, then you're in seriously trouble young man. Don't crack that whip, boy, or you'll be in for some seriously hurting. I'm warning you, you little heathen."

_CRACK!_

Perhaps Ganondorf had only meant to startle Rauru. Perhaps he had meant to hit the Sage, though we can assume the former is the cause, for Ganondorf's whip missed the fat Sage by about five feet. Either way, Ganondorf most certainly _did not_ intend to make a cross-dimensional vortex open up between the Livingroom of the Sages and the World of Fine Hyrulian Shopping. Furthermore, Ganondorf most certainly _did not_ intend to cause a pale, black-lipsticked figure clutching a bag of paper, which happened to be making bizarre noises that sounded vaguely reminiscent of both Yoko Ono and John Lennon, to fall out of the aforesaid vortex and tumble straight onto an unwary Link, who felt very awkward indeed and decided that staunchly denying the fact that a short but very heavy Sage had just tumbled onto his back. Raikua sat down on Rauru's couch and conjured up a bag of popcorn. Things were about to be getting very interesting

"Well, nice weather we're having today, all nice and bright and spring-like. Do I hear birds chirping merrily in the heather? Are your chives growing nicely?" He said dazedly, not quite aware of the fact that Rauru didn't grow chives, there were no birds whatsoever chirping in the non-existent heather, and that it just happened to be the coldest, dreariest, all around unpleasantest winter Hyrule had ever seen.

"Ru!" Doom cried, jumping to his booted feet, still clutching the paper, which was doing a fine rendition of Watching the Wheels. "Oh, at last I can look upon your bearded face and know that I am safe from the perils of the hateful world! Alas, I could not find wrapping paper that could rap, but I diligently journeyed to the Copy Raikuan Museum of All That Is Good In The World, and lo and behold, in the gift shop I found singing wrapping paper with these darling little submarines that light up and dance around when the song plays. I hope I didn't displease you, my dear Rauru, the Sage of Love and Light. What a horror it would be to offend the only person in this dreary life who has shown me any kindness!" Doom squealed doomfully, meekly offering the singing paper to his idol with a funny sort of bow that immediately made Raikua think of an angry zombie warlord, though she herself didn't quite understand the correlation.

Rauru growled something rather vile and unfit to be repeated under his sagely breath, and took the singing paper. He'd have to think of another impossible quest for Doom to complete, just so that he'd get the little angstmuffin out of his hair. '_Heh, angstmuffin,_' Rauru thought to himself…because who else would he be thinking to? _'That's a good one. I'll have to remember that. Better than his current title of 'He-Who-Incurs-the-Sagely-Wrath-of-Rauru.'_

"That's, ah, nice, Doom…Yah….Why don't you show Link and Raikua out the door or something, and I'll…err…speak with young Ganondorf for a moment."

"Kay, my dear Rauru! I am your most humble servant!" Doom cheerfully lamented, grabbing Link by the hand while doing a dainty twirl. Raikua looked miffed for the quickest of seconds, but chippered up when Link locked arms with her. The odd trio all performed feats of mass twirling, and skipped away into the dark recesses of nothingness. Fear not though, for the dark recesses of nothingness just happen to be located in Rauru's linen closet.

Rauru watched as the odd three left, and then turned to Ganondorf with a livid look on his wizened face. Suddenly, Ganondorf was very, _very_ afraid of Rauru, even more so than Raikua, dancing Gorons, his crazy ex-girlfriend who tried to cut off his nose, and children's programming combined.

"Doom must _never_ be summoned! Do you know how much trauma I have to go through each time some _idiot_ summons that little maniac? He always winds up killing people and I have to deal with the bloody aftermath!" Rauru growled, giggling oddly for no real reason other than the fact that the author of this story likes the mental image of the Sage of Light giggling crazily.

"Erm, actually that doesn't bother me _too_ much, considering I'm the King of Evil and killed Din knows how many people in the Imprisoning War." Ganondorf said, staring blankly at the maniacal Sage, who quickly sombered up when he realized that he just wasn't frightening the green manboy at all anymore.

"Oh, ah, okay then. I _was_ going to frighten you into never summoning Doom again by telling of all the murder and mayhem that happens when he's summoned, but….yah…" Rauru said nervously, turning a funny shade of gray for no apparent reason. A lot of things seem to be happening in this story for no apparent reason.

"Why wouldn't you _want _me to summon Doom anyway, other than the homicide and such?" Ganondorf questioned, glaring at a spot on the floor that had offended him with its elitist airs of utter superiority.

"Well," Rauru began, his voice taking on the tone of one who is about to tell a tale of heartrending tragedy and unrequited romance. "It all started with a rather stupid fellow, an ancient Hylian king actually, who decided that it would be a fine idea to control the bringer of the apocalypse and punisher of the masses, Doom. He was a very different fellow back then when he was only newly made; mindless, monotonous, unfeeling, an all-around good demigod, and I honestly _miss _the way he was. Anyway, this fellow was one of those magic men, and he made a whip blessed with magic power to summon Doom, the very one you are holding. Now, this little moron summoned Doom, and after he forced Doom to spread misery and despair all over Hyrule –he was one of those dictator types, you see- he let Doom wander off for a bit. He'd caused terror all over the country on a daily basis, but he'd never really stopped to smell the metaphorical roses, so to make a long story short, he fell in love with a mortal, got rejected by the same mortal, fell in love with another mortal who promptly died, got into gardening but realized anything he grew died, accidentally killed some unsuspecting Kokiri, and discovered the joys of musical theatre. He realized that mortals had an interesting and invaluable culture, and then he developed a conscious. Let me tell you, getting a conscious is the worst mistake any immortal being can do, especially if you're supposed to be the almighty destroyer of souls and punisher of all grievous sins. When he came back from this lovely excursion, he was so messed up in the head that the Goddesses demoted him to being just the Sage of Doom, punisher of minor sins and bringer of doom, despair, and midlife crises, and stuck the little weirdo with me to deal with. I've let 'em go out into the world on his own a few times since –the Angel of Flaming Death goes with him when he works- but he always comes back weirder and smelling strongly of elderberries. So yah, that's why I don't want you to summon Doom."

Ganondorf stared at the very large Sage with a look of utter boredom on his little green face. "You do realize you _could_ have just shortened that whole mess down to 'Doom gets weird when he goes outside,' you know."

"Yes, but there's an evil Fanfiction authoress out there who gets her pleasure from writing long and usually unnecessary little bits that may or may not, though usually the answer is not, have any bearing on the plot, if there _is_ a plot."

It should be interesting to note that as the Sage of Light uttered those words, Raikua, who was busy having a fine time in the dark recesses of nothingness, erupted into maniacal laughter.

It was as good as any answer for Ganondorf, but the King of Evil still liked to argue for the sake of arguing. "But still, he's going to get out eventually. Isn't it better to have at least _some_ contact with the outside world on a regular basis, so that even if he _does _get summoned/escapes/gets kidnapped/all of the above, he won't freak out? I mean, if you encounter something everyday, it doesn't weird you out anymore." Rauru gasped, since this actually made a lot of sense.

"Curse you for thinking logically. Curse you."

"At any rate, I was going to summon him whether you liked it or not old man," Ganondorf said, sounding a little bit like his former, glorious self. "Link has a sword that smites evil and the demon-girl has her girly staff, so I should at least get the whip that summons Doom wherever it goes. So yeah, nyah." The little king stuck his tongue out at the Sage of Light, who was rapidly becoming annoyed.

"You really _are_ a little presumptuous brat. My goddesses, I hate short people. Begone, foul green one."

* * *

At last the three strange adventurers had to leave, though Raikua had to be pulled kicking and screaming from the dark recesses of nothingness/Rauru's linen closet. Evidently she had become quite fond of Doom and didn't quite seem to fancy the idea of unlatching herself from his leg. It took a great amount of force, several gallons of Crisco, and a rusty hoe to pry her from the sobbing elfboy. To this day, it is not quite certain what the gardening utensil was used for. Perhaps we had better leave that to the imagination.

"I fear that the time has come for us to part and for my party to journey into the land of Hyrule," Link said, thinking that sounded very noble indeed. Raikua giggled behind his back. _'Some party we are,'_ She thought. _'There's no music, no decorations, half the "party" is under eighteen, and nobody's playing repetitive rap songs at full force while girls inappropriately dressed for the weather make fun of my dancing abilities, or lack thereof. Hah.'_

"I'm sure the red-haired menace will have done lots of terrible, horrible things to the land that I was _supposed_ to take over, according to that crazy Sheikah lady." Ganondorf sighed, wearily thinking of all the horribly painful and no doubt bothersome things they would have to do to save the land.

"Can I get the pretty gold thingy-thing now, please! Sage thingy-things are neat. They're almost as neat as Golden Tickets. They'd be neater if they took you to see my darling, lovely Willy Wonka when you collected all of them, but alas, I fear I shall not see my chocolatey love for many moons to come, or something like that." The fangirl said vivaciously, eagerly awaited the mostly-useless medallion that did pretty much nothing except looking pretty.

"Will it make you shut up?" The Sage of Light asked, fishing in his chinchilla robes for the large yellow coin that was surely there somewhere. Raikua nodded a semi-silent yes.

"Fine then, femmebeast…Coin, coin, where's the coin? Ah, here it is!" He extracted from his pocket a ball of twine, a priceless Ming vase, an unidentifiable furry animal, a picture of Mana in all his effeminate glory, a maniacally depressed robot, a small third-world country, a can of whipped cream, a rather large book, and finally a brightly golden medallion that shone like the very sun itself. The trio's eyes all got very large and starry upon glimpsing this lovely, but completely pointless object: to look upon it was even more thrilling than to look upon the very face of Richard Simmons himself. Rauru gazed at the medallion fondly for a brief moment, and then flung it clumsily in the general direction of the miniskirted man and the deranged fangirl.

The two leapt into the air gracelessly and promptly collided head-first with each other, falling onto the nicely carpeted ground with a lovely thump. Link hissed in pain and muttered several terrible, horrible oaths that would shock even the most wicked of wickeds, while Raikua simply conjured up the angry spirits of the many pretty anime, J-Rock, The Cure band members, chocolatiers, pale boys with scissors for hands, pirates, ninjas, freaky men running around in tuxedos fighting for love and justice, potion masters, Beatles, MASH surgeons, and homicidal maniacs that she had fallen in deep (and mostly unrequited) love with, and forced them to harass Link for a while.

"Well now, that's interesting," Doom commented, casually passing Ganondorf a black medallion. "It's not everyday that you see a cross-dressing, Gothic Lolita singer, a vaguely effeminate pirate, and Yoko Ono's husband team up to pelt a more-than-slightly-feminine elf with great quantities of popcorn. I feel special now."

"Meh, you get used to it after the first couple times. My ex-girlfriend used to do that all the time to me," The Gerudo said, pocketing the medallion in his pocket.

And indeed, the angry but oh so lusciously attractive spirits _were_ tossing popped corn bits onto Link, except for little Edward who couldn't really toss anything at anyone because he seemed to lack usable hands and instead was poking Link rapidly in the head with one of his blades. It was quite an amusing spectacle, but quickly stopped when the harassed Hylian bit the Authoress on the leg. Naturally, she yelped in pain, and beat him around the head with her staff, never minding the fact that he was already grievously wounded there from being jabbed there several times with a scissor blade. Rauru's eye twitched for the third time in this Fanfiction.

"Cease and desist, puny mortals!" The elder shouted. "There shall be no fighting in the Chamber of the Sages! You _can_, however, tear each other's eyes out in Hyrule, so…bye." With those words and a grandiose, pointless gesture, Rauru sent the three heroes spiraling down through time and space back to the twisted land called Hyrule.

* * *

Once they were successfully gone from the Livingroom of the Sages, Rauru yelled a rather appalling expletive and banged his head repeatedly against the wall.

"What's wrong, my dear Sage of Light? Have I offended thee?" Doom cried very fearfully, his eyes already filling with angsty tears.

"No, you haven't Doom," Rauru sighed, collapsing upon his couch, effectively squishing one of Raikua's spirits in the process. "I've just realized that Hyrule is, for lack of better terms, doomed."

It was going to be a very long day indeed.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Hah, you know what? I only meant to make this chapter six pages at most, but it came out to twenty-one. I don't know why either, nothing majorly important happened, and this entire chapter was about fifteen seconds in the game. Ah well, I'm pleased to inform you that the first half of this fanfiction –the half that most closely resembles the game- is quite over. The next half of shall be rather interesting indeed, with dysfunctional Sages and odd little interludes involving quests to the Hyrulian Dollar Store. Raikua thinks that she shall thank her reviewers now, for they are very enthusiastic and make Raikua feel warm and fuzzy inside, the one-hundred-and-fifty people have viewed this story (though only eleven of them actually read the last chapter. Heh.), and the two nice people who C2-ed this story. In the next full chapter, a glamed-out Sheik makes and appearance, but is this the same Sheik from the original game? Will Raikua stop attacking him with fangirlish love? And why is the Kokiri Forest vaguely Tim Burton-ish? Will this madness ever cease? 


End file.
